EYO
Large Milk
Undertaker
25%
SEXY!
Posts: 278
|
Post by EYO on Jan 12, 2006 22:19:11 GMT -5
This is my first Fanfic so please let me know what you think.
My Girl: part 1
Greatest Fantasy
There Jack was staring at Karen, looking her over ever so carefully, making sure to observe every detail. "Wow, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, if only I would get the courage to talk to her..." "Hi Jack!" Karen said in a Cheery voice. "watchya doin'?" "uh...uhmmm... I was coming to see you as a matter of fact." said Jack in a shy voice. "Well I was gonna give you some fresh apples that I got this morning." piped Karen. "Thanks Karen, I'll bake you an Apple Pie in return, ok" "Ok, thanks."
The next day...
*knock knock knock* "Karen." *knock knock...click!* "Oh, hi I was on my way over to see about that Apple Pie you made me." Jack pulled the delicious looking pie out of his rucksack... "Mmmmmmm, that smells soooooo good!" exclaimed Karen. "Thanks!" Jack was now feeling confident enough to take her back to see his farm, inside and out. "Hey Karen wanna come and check out my farm?" Jack said sheepishly. "Sure!" she replied cheerily. On the way there Karen had a big slice of the pie and LOVED it! "How was it?" "It was MARVELOUS!" Karen cheered. "By far the BEST pie I've ever had!" "Really?" "Yep!"
|
|
|
|
Post by melody on Jan 12, 2006 23:10:52 GMT -5
Aw, it's good so far. ^-^ And some advice, when characters are talking, you should make it into a new paragraph. Like--
"How was it?"
"It was MARVELOUS!" Karen cheered.
"Really?"
See? Like that. Keep up the good work. I like it so far.
|
|
EYO
Large Milk
Undertaker
25%
SEXY!
Posts: 278
|
Post by EYO on Jan 13, 2006 12:59:18 GMT -5
Ok thanks for the tip.  |
|
|
|
Post by pendulous threads on Jan 13, 2006 14:27:35 GMT -5
It's good so far! Nice job. I would also advise you take Melody's tip. Other than that...I like it.
|
|
|
|
Post by melody on Jan 13, 2006 15:20:50 GMT -5
Yeah, it makes it easier for the reader to follow along with the conversation.
Hope to read more soon. ^-^ I like it.
|
|
EYO
Large Milk
Undertaker
25%
SEXY!
Posts: 278
|
Post by EYO on Jan 15, 2006 0:56:32 GMT -5
Ok, thanks for the tips ya'll i'll be sure to use them.
My Girl: Part 2
The Farm
"So, this is the farm, huh?" Karen asked.
"Yep, I know it's not much yet, but in time it will be prosperous."
"Let me know if you need any help, ok?"
Ok Karen, thanks for your support."
"Can I see the inside now?"
"Oh! Sorry, how impolite of me."
As they walked inside Jack slipped his arm around Karen's waist without protest.
|
|
|
|
Post by melody on Jan 15, 2006 1:20:33 GMT -5
Aw, so cute. It's very good, Jack5. ^-^
|
|
EYO
Large Milk
Undertaker
25%
SEXY!
Posts: 278
|
Post by EYO on Jan 15, 2006 1:33:16 GMT -5
could you tell me how to get an avatar???
|
|
|
|
Post by pendulous threads on Jan 15, 2006 9:24:09 GMT -5
It's very good Jack5!
If you want an avatar go to profile and click modify my profile. Then go down to where it says avatar and you can pick one from Butters selection or you can give the URL of another one.
|
|
EYO
Large Milk
Undertaker
25%
SEXY!
Posts: 278
|
Post by EYO on Jan 15, 2006 12:30:52 GMT -5
Thank you very much for the comment and the tip for the avatar! |
|
|
|
Post by pendulous threads on Jan 15, 2006 13:38:02 GMT -5
No problem. ^_^ I hope to hear more of your story soon.
|
|
EYO
Large Milk
Undertaker
25%
SEXY!
Posts: 278
|
Post by EYO on Jan 15, 2006 22:46:52 GMT -5
Hey thanks you guys it was very helpful for the support and tips, I'll add more whenever I have the time.
|
|
EYO
Large Milk
Undertaker
25%
SEXY!
Posts: 278
|
Post by EYO on Jan 16, 2006 0:09:10 GMT -5
My Girl: Part 3
The House
"Well. welcome to my humble abode." said Jack with a smile.
"Wow, you've done well for the time you've been here Jack!"
There was a Kitchen with almost all the utencils, he had a big bed (perfect), a bathtub, and many decoratons.
*Wow, Jack has everything that he could need to get married...*
"Well Karen would you like me to cook something for you?" asked Jack.
"Ok, give me your best." said Karen happily.
So Jack set to work making his best Chocolate Cake recipe.
"Oh my gosh Jack, you didn't have to go through all that trouble to make me a Chocolate Cake!"
"Why not, I sure think you deserve it." Jack said shyly.
Karen was beginning to turn bright red.
"Thank you Jack." Karen then walked over to Jack and gave him a small kiss on the cheek.
At that very moment Jack had the courage to grab Karen and give her a long, sensuous kiss that seemed to last for hours.
"Wow...Jack that was amazing, how did you learn how to kiss so well?" Karen asked in amazment.
"You were the first girl I've ever kissed before Karen." replied Jack.
|
|
|
|
Post by pendulous threads on Jan 16, 2006 9:06:28 GMT -5
Aww...that is so sweet! Hehe...they belong together. Nice chapter, I can't wait for more.
|
|
|
|
Post by melody on Jan 16, 2006 13:21:24 GMT -5
Aw....Jack and Karen. ^-^
It's very good so far. Keep up the good work.
|
|
