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Post by Firehead on Sept 16, 2006 14:44:02 GMT -5
Don't Go"Tell your father.....If you ever see him.....He can stop searching.." her eyes closed and her hand fell limp. "I....love you.." Mom! Please!Not now! Not like this! I pushed down on her chest, hard. "Rick, it's no use..." she sobbed and buried her face in her hands. "She's gone!" she ran out of the upstairs room and down the steps. Moments later I heard the door open and slam shut. I folded my arms across moms chest and rest my head on them, crying like a baby. * * * Anna wiped her eyes and sobbed silently. I looked around. Nearly everyone in Mineral Town was here, except Sasha. She was a no show. Her and my mom were great friends. Every week she would come visit a couple of times a week because mom couldn't walk. That made me smile. Zack was there. He was crying quite loudly and every couple of sentences during the time he was giving his speech for the Eulogy, he would stop and blow his nose loudly. "Lillia was a beautiful women and I wish I would have told her my true feelings toward her. So for that I'm sorry." Zack walked back to his seat. Popuri had called Kai and he sailed over from the city just for her. He wrapped his arms around her. Since my mom was such a big part of Mineral Town....What will happen? It can't go on like this forever. "Rick, your needed up here." Carter motioned for me and then seconds later, Kai, Popuri and Zack. He handed us each a long nail and a stone. We moved to the four corners of the casket she was resting in. Zack and I picked up the top cover and moved it over. "Goodbye mom." My eyes watered but I wiped them quickly. I raised my rock and hammered the nail down.
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Post by Akane on Sept 16, 2006 14:56:05 GMT -5
It'll be easier to read if you put quotations like this:
"[Speech]"
"[Speech]"
Don't you think it'd be kinda awkward that some dude says that he loved a married woman, especially during the funeral? o.O
Couple of punctuation errors which make it kinda hard to read (Spell Check!), maybe want a little more adjectives, but other than that it's good.
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Post by Firehead on Sept 16, 2006 16:04:57 GMT -5
Well he did like Lillia right?
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Post by Akane on Sept 16, 2006 16:30:24 GMT -5
Yeah, but if I was Rick or Popuri I'd hurt him. >.>
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Post by BorderWolf on Sept 16, 2006 20:16:04 GMT -5
I think that Rick and Popuri know that Zack liked their mother. If you go into Zack's shack by his bed are pictures of Lillia.
Anyway, nice opening of the story.
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Post by Akane on Sept 16, 2006 20:18:51 GMT -5
Wouldn't they tell her if they knew, though? Imagine what it would be like to hear that at a funeral. "I loved a married woman." That is one of the worst thing people can do. It's horrible.
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Post by Firehead on Sept 20, 2006 19:57:09 GMT -5
So? Where is her husband? Off searching for a flower right? Do you ever see him? No.
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Post by Kikyou Saya Rin-Ren on Sept 20, 2006 21:42:27 GMT -5
"Rick, it's no use..." she sobbed and buried her face in her hands. "She's gone!" she ran out of the upstairs room and down the steps. Moments later I heard the door open and slam shut. I think it might have been better if you had said Popuri (where I put the bold) because I spent a while trying to figure out who that was. Other than that it's really good (but sad)! |
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Post by Akane on Sept 21, 2006 16:46:33 GMT -5
So? Where is her husband? Off searching for a flower right? Do you ever see him? No. Yah. To cure her. <.< Whatever. Ignore what I say, 'cuz I REALLY couldn't care less right now. |
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Post by Firehead on Sept 21, 2006 16:58:20 GMT -5
Ok.
Well. I'm not writing anymore. I was trying to decide if it was a really short story or a fanfic. Not sure.
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Post by Herfefiny on Sept 24, 2006 11:10:32 GMT -5
Well it's really good, you couldwrite some more, but if you don't finish it, it'll still be great.
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Post by Firehead on Sept 24, 2006 20:02:24 GMT -5
Thanks. I think I need to work on my writing skills. I guess I lost them over the summer  or I just never had them. |
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Post by Kikyou Saya Rin-Ren on Oct 2, 2006 22:04:36 GMT -5
That's okay.
It's really good though. Just one thing I'd liike to say, don't let critisizm discourage you.
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Post by bluedestiny82 on Oct 3, 2006 6:35:51 GMT -5
Don't worry. Your writing is fine. If you enjoy writing this story then write more. If you don't want to write more then its a great short story ;D
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Post by Kikyou Saya Rin-Ren on Oct 3, 2006 18:37:05 GMT -5
^exactly!
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[M:28]
[M:0]
or I just never had them.
