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Post by Banika Conchita on Aug 24, 2008 0:03:23 GMT -5
(wow, what a crappy title)
PROLOUGE
Claire ran. She kept running through the woods, getting her outfit smeared with dirt. The tears kept pouring down her face. She had never felt so much pain, anger, and sadness from two simple words. She looked up and the sun, blocked by the darkening clouds. She knew this was probably the worst day of her life.
THE BEGINING
Claire had finally done it. Her house was a big as it could be. Her work was complete. Now all she needed to do was get a husband and her life could be perfect. She ran into town and eyed down every last bachelor. One came to her eye. Gray. He was a hard worker, and good looking. He seemed like the perfect man. She ran up to Gray. "Heeeeey Gray!" She greeted him, trying to sound friendly. Gray just looked at her. Claire smiled. Gray's eyes drifted to her chest. "So Gray, how are you?" Claire asked happily, trying to break the silence. Gray's eyes drifted back up and met her's. "Uh...Good, I guess." He shrugged. Claire laughed. "Oh Gray! Ease up buddy!" Gray didn't respond and went back to looking at her chest. What a weirdo. Claire smiled at him. "You're a good guy, you know that Gray! You'd be perfect for any girl." She grinned, looking him in the eyes. He was blushing. She puckered her lips. Gray knew it. Their lips moved closer, and just as they were about to share their first kiss together, they heard somthing. "Hey guys!" Claire got mad. Whoever it was ruined their kiss! Claire thought whoever it was did it purposly. Out of jealousy. She could hear it in the girl's voice. She looked over to see who it was. She made a guess who it was, and her guess was correct.
Mary.
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rachel
Large Milk
[M:2]
Kindness isn't something you have to do, it's something you should want to do.
Posts: 123
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Post by rachel on Aug 24, 2008 3:21:53 GMT -5
Kill Mary! mhahahaha!  |
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Post by Banika Conchita on Aug 24, 2008 14:03:10 GMT -5
 GIRL FIGHT! |
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Post by Banika Conchita on Aug 26, 2008 17:49:30 GMT -5
Chapter 1
"Maaarrrryyyy!!!!!" Claire hissed. She pulled Mary away from Gray. "Could you excuse us for a second?" She asked him. He shrugged.
"Sure." He replied. She smiled at him as she backed Mary up against the closest wall.
"What the hell did you do that for?!" Claire asked her angrily.
"Do what?" Mary asked.
"You know what!" Claire snapped.
"No, I don't!" Mary said, pretending to be scared. Claire got mad. Mary ignored her and ran up to Gray. What a slut. “Hello Gray!” Mary greeted him happily. Gray looked at her.
“Sup.” He said blandly. Mary frowned.
“What’s so special about Claire?” Mary muttered under her breath.
“I could say the same about you, annoying pest.” Claire thought. “Mary, shouldn’t you be opening the library now?” Claire asked. Mary glared at her.
“Oh you’re right! I have to go! Bye-Bye!” Mary flashed a fake smile at Claire and ran off. Claire walked back up to Gray, swaying back and forth.
“That Mary. She’s so annoying, isn’t she?” She asked him. Gray shrugged.
“Sure….I guess.” He replied. Claire frowned. Than she grabbed his hand. “How long have we known each other for?” She asked. Gray shrugged again.
“I don’t know, like, a couple years. Why?” Claire grinned.
“’Cause. I like ya. Do you like me? I mean like, like like.” Gray stiffened.
“Uhhhh…..well….yeah. I guess I do.” Claire smiled.
“Great!” She said, thrilled. She lightly kissed him on the lips and ran off. “Bye!!” She shouted, waving goodbye. Gray put his hand to his lips. Mary came up behind him.
“What are you doing?! I know our relationship is a secret, but that doesn’t mean you can see other people!” Gray looked down.
“It’s just you know, a cover up.” Mary looked up at him.
“Okay. Be careful. She could have feelings for you.” Mary kissed him. “See ya.” She smiled, and ran back to the library
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Post by moko on Aug 26, 2008 18:38:45 GMT -5
okay, first of all, this story isn't too bad. i think it has the potential to be very good.
the first thing you need to work on, though, is your layout. right now you're just writing in one big paragraph, which can be sometimes hard and tiresome to follow. you need to span it out a little more, by separating the dialogue and making more paragraphs.
second, personally, so far i don't find any of the characters likeable. mary's not likeable for seeming so antagonistic towards claire (which i must add, is a bit OOC for shy mary), gray's not likeable because he seems to be two-faced and IS technically cheating on mary, and claire not likeable because of all her venemous thoughts about mary, despite whether they are true or not (which they seem not to be, since mary and gray are dating, even though it's a secret). if you can make at least one of the characters a little less corrupted (preferably claire, since she does seem to be the main character), it would definately improve the story, in my opinion.
other than that, this seems like it could be a good story. it'll be interesting to see whether gray and claire get together or claire finds out gray and mary are dating and finds someone else. personally, i'm hoping for the latter, since i wouldn't want a guy who was using me in the first place, but it probably won't turn out that way by the look of it. :/
not that that's a big deal; i'll still read it anyway, since it seems to be headed in an interesting direction. i haven't read much hm fanfiction lately anyway.
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Post by Akane on Aug 26, 2008 22:52:18 GMT -5
Chapter 1"Maaarrrryyyy!!!!!" Claire hissed. She pulled Mary away from Gray. "Could you excuse us for a second?" She asked him. He shrugged. "Sure." He replied. She smiled at him as she backed Mary up against the closest wall. "What the hell did you do that for?!" Claire asked her angrily. "Do what?" Mary asked. "You know what!" Claire snapped. "No, I don't!" Mary said, pretending to be scared. Claire got mad. Mary ignored her and ran up to Gray. What a slut. “Hello Gray!” Mary greeted him happily. Gray looked at her. “Sup.” He said blandly. Mary frowned. “What’s so special about Claire?” Mary muttered under her breath. “I could say the same about you, annoying pest.” Claire thought. “Mary, shouldn’t you be opening the library now?” Claire asked. Mary glared at her. “Oh you’re right! I have to go! Bye-Bye!” Mary flashed a fake smile at Claire and ran off. Claire walked back up to Gray, swaying back and forth. “That Mary. She’s so annoying, isn’t she?” She asked him. Gray shrugged. “Sure….I guess.” He replied. Claire frowned. Than she grabbed his hand. “How long have we known each other for?” She asked. Gray shrugged again. “I don’t know, like, a couple years. Why?” Claire grinned. “’Cause. I like ya. Do you like me? I mean like, like like.” Gray stiffened. “Uhhhh…..well….yeah. I guess I do.” Claire smiled. “Great!” She said, thrilled. She lightly kissed him on the lips and ran off. “Bye!!” She shouted, waving goodbye. Gray put his hand to his lips. Mary came up behind him. “What are you doing?! I know our relationship is a secret, but that doesn’t mean you can see other people!” Gray looked down. “It’s just you know, a cover up.” Mary looked up at him. “Okay. Be careful. She could have feelings for you.” Mary kissed him. “See ya.” She smiled, and ran back to the library Space is wondeful. ♥ |
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Post by Banika Conchita on Aug 27, 2008 17:11:15 GMT -5
.....
>>
<<
*edits inconspicuously*
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Post by Pickle on Sept 20, 2008 4:02:46 GMT -5
Yah, try not go with the character bashing so much. It seems like you do not like Mary because she is Gray's partner in game. Concentrate more on her flaws if you wisH to show her in a bad light.
Oh, and don't suddenly have characters fall in love. It's rather rushed and annoying.
You have a good start so just re-read and add some more story actually in it.
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Post by CottonSoap on Sept 21, 2008 16:27:41 GMT -5
Mary is special.
I enjoyed that story.
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Post by Banika Conchita on Sept 21, 2008 19:38:25 GMT -5
Yah, try not go with the character bashing so much. It seems like you do not like Mary because she is Gray's partner in game. Concentrate more on her flaws if you wisH to show her in a bad light. Oh, and don't suddenly have characters fall in love. It's rather rushed and annoying. You have a good start so just re-read and add some more story actually in it. Hey I said they knew each other for two years! That doesn't sound 'suddenly' xD |
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Post by Pickle on Sept 25, 2008 3:01:57 GMT -5
Okay, ignore that part.
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[M:28]
