Love in war

[bchunter]

(sorry if this is a bad fanfic it's my 1st one ever )



Diary:
Spring 1st
2005

Hi my names Jack.I feel kinda weird writing in a diary. . .but Mayor Theadore said i should to record my work.So here i go.Today was my grandfathers funeral.He died a few days ago from natural causes,but his funeral was held today.It the nearby village,Flowerbud Village.It was possibly the saddest moment of my life.Afterwards,the mayor wanted to see me alone.We walked over,away from the group of people,and talked.
"Hello I am Mayor Theadore,"he said,putting him hand out.
"Hi,i'm Jack,"I said,shaking his hand.
"I know who you are!I came to talk you about your grandfathers final request. . ."he said.My mood dropped even lower.I didn't want to talk about him,but i was 22.I sucked it up and replied.
"Oh. . .request?"I replied,confused.
"He gave a letter a month before he died when he noticed his nearing death,he gave me this letter,"he said,bringing out a letter that would change my life."He wanted me to give you this at his funeral."
"OK. . ."I replied.I grabbed the letter and opened it.It read. . .

Dear,Jack

Hello Jack!I hope your living a happy life.I gave this to Mayor Theadore to give to you at my funeral.It is because I have a final request to you.I understand your looking for a new home and a new job.So i want you to take over my farm.I know this sudden,and i want you to think about it.Goodbye. . .
Love,
Grandpa

I acually felt tears welling up when I read this.I blinked them back and looked at the Mayor.
"I don't know. . .I'm confused."
"It's ok!"He said,"take your time with this!"
"OK. . .but do you have a place i could stay here?Because i don't want to walk 5 miles to the bus stop and come back later with answer,"I said,feeling the pain in my legs from walking to Flowerbud.
"OK you can stay at the Perch Inn!"he said.
"That's fine,"i said,relieved.He walked me to a building and opened the door for me.
"I will inform Doug,the owner!"he said.I nodded and began walking to the rooms.
"OH WAIT!!"he yelled after me.He told me to record this even though i haven't agreed.I walked to a room,escorted by the mayor.I imediatley plopped onto the bed,just to rest alittle.After and hour i got a spare notebook from my bag (which i brought here) and wrote this diary.I'm thinking about it. . .but i don't know.



(please tell me how to make it better since i'm new at this ;D)

[stitch]

You have a very lovely start to your fan fic. I can see multiple things you can do with this. I admit I wasn't expecting a whole lot with the diary entry...those don't always turn out so well, but I think you've twisted it to fit your needs and that's what's making it work so well. I'm not sure I'd even call what you wrote a diary entry which is why it makes it so good. Because you added all of the other characters dialogue so you don't have this one character briefly describing scene after scene with only their thought and speculation. You've added other characters voices to it and I like it.

The problems in your writing are fairly minor. A couple words missing, oddly worded sentences from having your thoughts change in the middle of it. But that can all be easily fixed. Just make certain that you read your work over before you post it. Actually it's better if you read it out loud. That lets you see and hear your writing and allows you two chances to catch all the mistakes. However I know that's time consuming, but if you read it over once or twice after you finish writing it I'm sure you can get rid of all the errors I'm seeing.

Aside from that, I love the emotion that I'm already seeing in your story. I'm impressed that this is your first fan fic. Character driven stories with good powerful emotion in them too boot I don't find very often. I enjoy reading them however and I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of your chapters as you post them. I think you're doing a fantastic job, keep it up.

And the thing with writing is the more you write, the better you get. It's always a working progress even for those that write very well. Everyone always has something they can improve on.

Congrats on your first fan fic. I like the character thought as well. You've got the basics covered and I'll be sure to give you tips and suggestions throughout your writing. Of course the most important part of writing is always enjoying what you're doing with your story.

[bchunter]

thanks so much!I'm enjoying this writing and i'm working on next entry and i'll take your wise man info stich