Harvest Moon TV! Season 1

[sbester]

Well it has been a few years but I have returned with the newly edited version of HMTV! Make no mistake, this is the funniest Harvest Moon fanfic ever (beginning at chpater 2, the 1st was somewhat of a failure for the series and lost many prospective fans).

I am also posting season 2 along with the almost completed third season of the fanfic, which I am proud to say have been just as popular on fanfiction net.

My final piece of news is that season one is getting a facelift. HMTV THE GAME will be out sometime before xmas. This is a full game featuring all the graphics and maps of HM SNES but with dialogue and events from HMTV! It is being created on RPG Maker 2003, a program I have had much experience with, and promises lots of extra goodies not seen in the original fanfic.

So without further delay, here are all 15 episodes of HMTV! Check out the sequel seasons when you're done!

[sbester]

Harvest Moon TV!

Episode One: Welcome!

Jack was a regular boy (age unspecified). He went to school just like everyone else, he procrastinated doing homework and chores all day, and he even had friends. But you see, Jack had some very serious predicaments he was put in that set him apart from all of the other children that you or I have ever known. The first predicament was that Jack’s grandfather died and it was now up to Jack to go and take care of the farm and put it back into tip top shape like it had once been many years ago. This is quite a responsibility for such a young fellow as Jack. The second problem is that poor Jack only had the mental capacity of a six year old.

Now, one would think that any considerate or logical family would sympathize with the youngster under such harsh conditions, but not Jack’s family. No sir! Jack’s father decided that it was time the youth learned how to get out there and make it alone in the world. Poor old Jack thought it was a great idea, but that was because Jack is stupid.

So on the first day of Spring, Jack’s father drove him out into the middle of nowhere to a place that wouldn’t even have been comfortable in the 50’s (town name unspecified). How wonderful, Jack thought to himself as he pulled in to the small farm.

“Now Jack,” his father warned. “I will come back in 2.5 years to check your progress, and by that time you’d better have this ol’ farm in spiffy shape. Do you understand?”

Jack smiled moronically, eyes closed and everything. Jack’s father went on to explain just how long 2.5 years was, just in case.

With that, they said their goodbyes and the older man was on his way. Jack looked around at the property, it was all his now. But there was one thing he didn’t understand; why weren’t there any animals? This was a farm, was it not? And what in God’s name happened to all the vegetation? How was he supposed to eat? He was just about to explore the shed for an animal he could slaughter when he heard a friendly “hello” from behind him. Jack turned around, but could not see where the noise had come from. Perhaps he had imagined it.

“Down here!” the friendly voice sounded even more cheerful this time. Looking down, Jack could now see a very short old man looking up with a smile on his face.

“A midget!” Jack smiled and picked the man up, hugging him tightly. Jack had always wanted a midget of his own.

“Yes, yes, welcome. You can put me down now Mr. Jack.” Jack did so reluctantly. “Welcome to our humble village. I cannot begin to tell you how excited we are to have a new face in our midst. Would you like me to show you around the town so you can meet the residents and see the sights?” the strange little man offered.

Jack nodded wildly. What a nice little dwarf, he thought.

“I’m the mayor of this town, by the way. Call me… Mayor.” The small man turned to exit the grounds. With that, they were on their way.

Intermission

As soon as they stepped into town, the first thing Jack could see was a park. It was the smallest park he had ever seen and only consisted of two trees. The small mayor took a left turn and soon they were at a house.

“This is the fortune teller’s house, Jack. She lives here with her grand daughter and rarely leaves…” the mayor could not finish his sentence, for Jack had already bolted straight for the front door in hopes that the fortune teller could tell him great things. Upon entry, all was dark around a small table and the fat old woman seated comfortably at it could barely be seen.

“Trust me, kid, you don’t wanna know.” A voice came from the old hag. This only confused Jack, and he smiled and introduced himself to the witch. The woman’s grand daughter appeared out of nowhere and introduced herself to him as well. When the mayor appeared in the doorway and beckoned the small minded Jack to follow him, Jack ran back and gave the little man another big hug, lifting him from the ground once again like a puppy.

Continuing on their path, the second house was the livestock store. Both entered happily and Jack was thrilled to find that there really were animals available in the village, but he did not know which animals were to be his friends and which ones he would kill mercilessly.

“Hello there, I’m (name unspecified). I own this livestock store. We sell cows and chickens and all of their living needs. I suspect I will be seeing you in here quite a bit over the next couple of years, am I right?” the white bearded man cocked an eyebrow.

Jack let his tongue hang out at the side of his mouth as he nodded promptly at the man’s assumption. It then came to his mind: chicken tastes good! It was settled now, Jack would have a chicken and eat it. Jack had just had chicken the night before with his parents at their house and it was delicious, perhaps one that he slaughtered himself would taste even better.

“One chicken, please.” Jack placed his order.

“Oh there will be plenty of time for that tomorrow, my young friend.” The mayor tugged Jack by the arm. “The eager fellow must have work on his mind constantly.”

The livestock store owner smiled and said his goodbyes as the two travelers walked out and continued on their route through the town. Further down the path was the marketplace which consisted of 3 small houses. The first house was the tools shop, and upon entering the store they were greeted by a pleasant and slim fellow and a ratty little girl.

“Ah, is this the new farm owner?” the man at the desk asked the mayor with a pleasant greeting.

“It is indeed.” The mayor looked over proudly at Jack.

“I am the tool shop owner. It is a pleasure to meet you, young man. This is my daughter, Ann.” the small girl stepped forward and curtsied shyly. She couldn’t have been much younger than Jack himself, but there were a few things that bothered him about her. For starters, despite her big orange hair put into a ponytail, she looked much like a young lad would. It had to have been the clothes she was wearing, they were dirty and ragged much like Jack’s baggy overalls. Another thing was that there was a trace of intelligence in her eyes, and though Jack couldn’t recognize it for the life of him, he wanted absolutely no part of it.

“I’m Jack. We’re busy.” It was Jack’s turn to grab the mayor by his arm and drag him out of the shop.

“What a shy young man.” The shop owner looked over at his daughter.

The next house was the restaurant. Upon entry, Jack realized how hungry he was after thinking of the dinner he had enjoyed the previous night. Four figures awaited him on the inside of the house and greeted him very kindly. There was a stout older man who introduced himself as the owner of the restaurant, a woman of the same age who was introduced as his wife, an older gentleman who seemed drunk out of his mind who didn’t introduce himself at all, and an ugly girl named Ellen.

Jack had been stunned to hear the girl’s name because though Ann dressed much like a boy, this girl just looked like one, and he had initially thought she was one. Her hair was cut very short, her face was dirty and long, and her nose stuck out very far and glowed a bright red.

As disgusted as Jack was with the sight of this so called “girl”, he felt compelled to stay and play with the older fellow who repeatedly wobbled and fell helplessly to the floor. Jack danced from side to side, jumped from one foot to the other in front of the falling over man and giggled like a schoolgirl.

“That’s my grandpa, he’s a little intoxicated at the moment. Thank you for not judging him as many do.” Ellen smiled sweetly.

Jack stopped dancing immediately. He didn’t know what ‘intoxicated’ meant, but he knew that when he finally got his chicken he would invite this old man over to celebrate the feast with him.

“Jack is just taking the tour of the old town with me and meeting all the villagers. It has been quite the day so far and he really seems happy to be here.” The mayor stood as tall as he could, reflecting proudly.

“Well we look forward to seeing you again soon.” The owner said happily as they bade each other farewell.

Intermission

As they moved along to the next house, the mayor stopped and turned to face Jack.

“Now, Jack. This is the town bar, it is closed on Sundays but it has a very lively night scene. If you do decide to enter this place, I expect that you act as responsibly as possibly and be careful not to have too much to drink.” Jack knew very well what that meant; if you drink too much, you will wet the bed.

“Right.” Jack agreed in all seriousness.

The two took another right turn and soon found themselves in town square. This was the biggest part of the town and the mayor explained that this was where all of the town festivals took place. They continued on once more and found themselves at the largest property in the town.

“This is my humble abode. Feel free to come in anytime and chat. I am a busy man, however, and will not always be readily there; but my lovely wife will be sure to be there anytime to offer you a tea.” The mayor again stood very proudly. “Unfortunately, the day grows short and we must be on our way. But do stop by soon so you can meet her, she really is a wonderful woman and I’m sure she’s dying to meet you.”

Jack was bored by this. Grabbing the mayor by the arm, he pulled him away from the house and down the path, leaving the mayor a little stunned and a lot confused.

A tall building was next, and again the mayor did not beckon him to go inside.

“This is our church. I expect to see you there every Sunday along with…” he could not finish.

Jack ran away.

The mayor stood alone, more confused than ever. What a strange boy, he thought. Perhaps the poor boy had experienced something very traumatic as a child in relation to the church, yes, that must have been it. With that, he was on his way back to his own house to get to work.

Left to himself, Jack realized that the mayor had not bothered to follow him. He looked around, frightened that he was all by himself in a strange place. Beside him was another small house, so he decided it was best that he enter it without knocking and ask for directions.

He opened the door and walked up to the lady at the desk. This was indeed another shop, he concluded. The nice lady at the front desk was pretty with bright pink hair and a little green bow on the top, but much too old for the youthful Jack to consider.

“Hello, stranger. cough. How are you doing this evening?” the woman smiled at him.

“I’m lost!” Jack’s eyes were wide with exasperation.

“You’re lost? How old are you?”

“I’m…” Jack was about to count on his fingers, but suddenly the door burst open behind the counter.

“I’m going for a walk, mother.” A gorgeous young girl with big pink hair emerged from the entrance. “Oh, I didn’t know we had company. Excuse me for my interruption, my name is Nina.”

“I’m Jack.” The boy stared.

“Oh, the boy who is running the old farm! I was told about you.” The girl’s mother concluded. “Nina, why don’t you bring him back to his house, the poor dear is a little lost.”

“The old farm?” Nina looked at him oddly. “The path is literally right next to our house, how did you get lost?”

Jack froze uncomfortably, not knowing what to say.

“Oh, this town looks all the same. I’m sure it is very easy to get lost if you aren’t from around here.” Nina’s mother said sweetly.

“Hmm, I guess that is true.” Nina lead Jack out of the shop and out onto the path to his farm. On the way, she informed him that the shop they had just left was the flower shop and that they had everything he should need for planting his crops. Only then did it occur to the poor soul…

“I have to plant crops?”

Intermission

Jack arrived back at the farm and reflected on the day. He liked the people that he had met and there were sure to be more friendly faces for him to meet in the coming days. He looked around his little house and suddenly he felt very lonely. There were only four channels on his old television and nothing else he could amuse himself with except for a stupid old journal.

Suddenly he heard a knock at the door. He quickly walked over and opened it, only to find that the visitor was none other than the ugly girl that looked like a boy, Ellen.

“Hi. I was wondering… do you like dogs?”

Jack considered the question carefully before nodding his head wildly as he always did. Eyes closed.

“Great, well I’m sure you will get along great with this little guy! Unfortunately, I can’t take care of him right now but if it isn’t too much to ask of you, would you take care of him for me?” out from behind the girl’s leg, a little brown puppy showed its face shyly.

A smile crossed Jack’s lips, and soon it turned into a grin. He swept the dog off its feet and hugged it close to him. It was no midget, but it was company nonetheless, and would serve as a true friend.

Ellen was very satisfied with herself for choosing Jack as the owner of this loveable pet and she thanked him wholeheartedly. She told him that the dog’s name was Koro, but Jack in turn informed her that that was just not so. He was to be called Ruff, because that seemed to be the only word the dog knew how to pronounce.

Ellen left and Jack played briefly with the dog before getting bored and forgetting the poor thing outside in the cold. Tiredly, he walked over to his bed and decided that he should write in the journal to keep a record of what he’d done so that his parents would be proud of him when they came to visit.

Yeer 1: Munth 1: Day 1

I metted lots of peple today. It wos fun. I metted a mijet, a gerl that loox like a boy, a beootiful gerl with pink hare, and I got a dog to. I sware Im going to make this farm good. Aggen. I named him ruf. And her mommee is prity to.

The End

[sbester]

Episode Two: Adjusting

It had been a few days since Jack had first arrived at the farm, and the poor soul had never been as bored in his entire life as he was at this moment. It was 7am in the morning, and he knew that he should be up and about doing something… but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out just what that was! Looking outside his window into the fields, he realized that perhaps it was time that he learned to grow vegetables. They were yucky, but he was pretty sure that not eating them was a sin.

As he opened his door, he was startled by a weak bark at his feet.

“Oh, I forgot about you again!” Jack smiled at his dog, Ruff, and picked the pup up from the ground. The dog stared motionlessly into the happy eyes of the unintelligible lunatic holding him off the ground, not quite afraid of him, yet utterly confused as to why this being had detached his paws from the safe ground below.

In an instant, Jack remembered what it was that he came outside to do and quickly tossed the young pup aside without a thought to the well being of the animal. Looking about, he thought wonderingly to himself.

How do I plant crops… if I don’t even know where babies come from? poor Jack studied the fields hard. They were a mess. Logs, rocks, and weeds were all about them, but Jack had already decided that his grandfather must have grown them. What an odd choice of food, he frowned.

“Hey, Jack!” a voice came from behind him. It was the shipper, Jack had met him not too long ago. “How goes the crop planting today?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing!” Jack exclaimed excitedly.

“Oh, it’s no problem! It’s the easiest thing in the world, my friend. Why, all you have to do is clear the fields, plant the seeds, and water them day by day!”

Jack looked at the man in confusion. “How do I do that?”

“Well, first of all, you must get rid of all of these rocks and weeds and logs. The logs go in that bin over there. You’ll need to move the rocks out of the way, and then you’ll need to chop up the weeds before they get any bigger. When the fields are all cleared out, use a hoe to dig up some patches, then plant the seeds.” The man smiled warmly Jack.

After a few moments consideration, Jack smiled back and nodded wildly.

“I have to be on my way now, but please come by the bar later and meet me for a drink. Lots of the townspeople will be there so it will be a great ol’ time!” with that, he was off.

Jack worked very hard for the rest of the day, slaving as best he could to move the rocks, store the logs and chop the weeds. The rocks were way too heavy at first, so he focused more on the ones that he could carry. The logs were the most amount of work, and Jack had no idea that he was supposed to chop them into smaller pieces before storing them; this made it extremely difficult for them to fit in the log bin, and he eventually gave up and rolled them to the side of the house. He ripped the weeds out from the ground with his bare hands, unknowing that with their roots still grounded, they would grow back. Upon finishing, he took the weeds back to the house and and chopped them up like someone would a vegetable. Ofcourse, Jack forgot to wash them before eating them. Mother had always told him that if he ate his broccoli, he would get his desert, so maybe the same was true with these weeds.

Intermission

After Jack threw up his dinner, he headed for town in search of the “bar”. Unfortunately, the bar could not be found anywhere. He searched high, he searched low, he searched everywhere; but alas, the boy could not find it. Up along the path, Nina could be seen coming out of the church. He was about to run away as he always does when close to one, but the girl called out to him.

“Hi, Jack. Where are you off to?” she smiled sweetly at him.

“I’m off on an adventure.” Jack said secretively.

“Hahaha, that’s funny. I haven’t seen you in town lately, has work been hard?”

Jack nodded sadly. There were so many things that he was expected to do, he just couldn’t handle it all. He had so many questions and he didn’t know who to ask. Then he remembered, Nina’s mother was a smart lady! She would know everything! He eagerly asked Nina to bring him to see her, and politely she complied. Together they walked down the darkening streets towards Nina’s house.

When they had finally reached their destination, Nina went to her room while her mother and Jack sat down to talk.

“Well Jack, what seems to be the problem?” she asked with a very concerned look on her face.

“I have many questions.” He answered promptly.

“Well go ahead and ask, and I will answer to the best of my ability cough.”

“…Where do babies come from?” Jack stared intently. The woman stared back blankly, stunned.

“Y…you’re serious…”

“I’m a very serious person.” Jack blinked.

“Umm… uh, well…hmm. Okay, first of all, the act involves a man and a woman. They need to love each other very much, and then they need to do something…” she could see the confused look on Jack’s face. “They, they need to have sex, Jack. Men have special seeds produced inside of them, and as well women have special eggs. The man must spread his seed and impregnate the woman’s egg… do you understand?”

Jack understood perfectly well. This woman was a con artist. She sold seeds for $3.95 each and every day to poor unsuspecting customers in the town when all along the men of the village were producing them for free from their own bodies, never suspecting a thing!

“Any more questions, sweetheart?”

“I’m looking for “the bar”.” Jack glared coldly at her.

“Oh, that’s on the other side of the town. I will summon Nina and she can take you there. Be very careful when you are there, bars can be dangerous places, if you know what I mean.” She warned him.

With that, Nina was called and soon she and Jack were on their way.

“What did you guys talk about?” she asked him curiously.

“You’re better off not knowing, Nina. But you may want to think twice before eating eggs again.”

Soon they arrived at their new destination and entered through the small door eagerly.

“Well, have a nice time. I’m tired and so I’m heading home to go to bed. Goodnight, Jack.” She bade him farewell and left.

How rude of her to give up on the adventure like that! He thought to himself. Looking around the room, he noticed that there weren’t very many people there. There was the old drunk man that Jack had played with before, the bartender, the shipper, an ugly girl that gave him his dog but he couldn’t remember the name of, and… the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen.

With all the grace and style of an angel, the beautiful blonde vixen walked slowly towards him.

“You’re the new guy in town.” She gave a half smile. “My name’s Eve. I work here, my room’s in the back. I’m not outside all that much, but I’m always here at nights. Don’t be a stranger.” She winked at him and walked on by.

How did she make her eye do that?

“Jacky boy!” the annoying shipper shouted, once again interrupting him on his quest. “Come and sit over here, I’ll buy you a drink!”

“I can’t right now, I need to find the bar.”

“You just walked into it, buddy!”

Jack stared at him in confusion. He rubbed his head, but he could feel no bump. This man was a liar, just like Nina’s mother!

Sidetracking him once more, Eve tapped him on the shoulder, grabbing his attention completely.

“What was that, you wanted something from the bar?” Jack could do nothing but stand there stupidly as she talked. “That’s no problem at all. Since you’re new in town, its on the house.” Smiling she walked towards the bartender.

Waking up from his trance-like state of mind, Jack thought back to what had just unfolded. It’s on the house. “The roof!”

Running like a madman, Jack blazed past the old drunkard, knocking him flat on his bottom and sending a glass to the floor in shatters. Looking up to the rooftops, Jack wondered how on earth he was to get up there.

“Jack, are you okay?” the shipper was suddenly standing in front of him, blocking his view of the pub. Without further thought, Jack began to climb the hulky man’s arms, shocking and confusing the poor bystander. “Wh…what are you doing? Jack!” Jack had gotten on top of his shoulders and was now getting ready to attempt his leap to the roof of the building. “Ow, what is the meaning of this?”

With all his strength, Jack leaped. Jack fell.

“Jack, are you alright?” the blurred vision of the man could barely be seen through Jack’s shaky vision. He lifted his head slowly, dazed by the force of the collision.

“What did you do to him!” Eve cried as she ran out and tended to the injured boy.

“I…I…I didn’t do anything, he just…” the shipper stalled.

Just then the bartender rushed out to Eve’s assistance.

“That’s it, bub, you’ve had enough to drink. You could have seriously injured this young fellow. And don’t bother coming back!” hurt by the words of the bartender, the shipper walked away, unable to speak or explain what had just taken place.

“Are you alright, Jack?” Eve asked him. The angel sent from heaven was the first thing he could see clearly now, how he loved the sound of her soft voice. Forgotten was his quest for the bar, the man who had sent him on it had now gone home anyways.

“I’m okay, Eve.” He smiled.

With that, they all went back inside the pub and sat down. Jack and Eve talked a little while, and she believed that he talked in his odd ways because he had been drinking already that night. Poor boy, it must have been lonely being I that farm day after day all by himself, it was no wonder he was drinking.

“So what’s up for tomorrow?” she asked him.

“I need to use a hoe to dig up some patches in my fields, then I can plant my seeds in them.” He smiled proudly. “Bet you didn’t know I could do that!”

“Is that a tool?”

“The seeds? No, but I have a feeling that they may come out from one.” He looked down at his pants.

Ah, she thought. How far technology has come, seed dispensers for gardens. I meant the hoe, but he’s a little too drunk to tell the difference.

Now, one wouldn’t think that Jack was smart enough to know what a hoe is, but luckily for Jack, his father had let him stay up some nights and watch the B.E.T. channel with him.

“Hey, are you busy tomorrow?” he asked.

“I don’t think so, why?”

“I need you to come do something for me in the fields.”

Intermission

Jack felt quite weird coming home. Beer didn’t taste very good, but it was better than those awful weeds he’d had for lunch. Looking down at his feet, Ruff was fast asleep. The cute little dog must have been all tuckered out after a long day in the hot sun.

“WAKE UP, RUFF!” he shouted in the dog’s ear, sending him jumping to his feet in fear. “Hahaha! Good puppy!”

Satisfied with himself, Jack went to his bed and decided once again to write in his journal. It had, afterall, been a very productive day.

Yeer:1 Munth:1 Day:4

2day I saw the most beootifll gerl in the werld. Her nam is eev. And I moovd the rox, I rold the logs, I cutted the weeds and I ated them. Mom donnt bi egs evr agan! I git seeds fer free! Tomoro I hav a ho cuming ovr to mak paches, and she iz also the beootifl gerl I wuz toking about.

PS- sumday I will find the BAR! Its on the roof!

With that, Jack went to sleep.

Finishing his rounds after his drinking break, the shipper showed up at Jack’s house. Perhaps he could get some kind of closure on the situation and what had happened by talking to the young lad, or perhaps the kid was just an idiot. Looking into the produce bin to make sure there was nothing that could be sold, the shipper got his answer.

“Rocks?”

The End

[sbester]

Episode Three: Infestation

After a few weeks of settling in, Jack was finally starting to feel quite at home in the little village. Unfortunately, he was having a difficult time trying to plant his crops and soon became frustrated with the task. Just when he was about to give up, a sprout could be seen coming up from the ground, exciting the young fellow to extreme measures of joy. He hopped up and down, circling around the small sprout in a dance and singing a very off key tune.

Just then, something could be seen running away from out of the corner of his eye. It was small and fast, too fast for Jack to get a proper glimpse of it before it had scurried away into the hole in the door of the tool shed.

“Rodents.” Jack cocked an eyebrow. It came as no surprise to him that tiny creatures would want to live in his wonderful farm; it was, afterall, the greatest farm in the entire world. “Ruff! Come on, boy! We have a new job to do today!” he exclaimed as he walked over to the door of the shed.

Bending down, he examined the hole in the door and took notice of its size. Whatever ran past him couldn’t have been very big at all, but still considerably big for a rat, if such was the case. He opened the door and looked around the room very carefully, but he could detect no movement at all.

“I’m gonna get you! Just you wait!” Jack yelled happily at his newfound enemy. Closing the door, he went back to his room to think about who he should call to help him exterminate the pests.

The first person that came to mind was the carpenter who lived in the mountains. This man seemed the very capable type. And while he was up in the mountains, perhaps he would pay a visit to the old man who always seems to be play there; Eve’s grandfather of all things. If only there were one more person able to help him on his mission…

“Two’s enough, I still have you, Ruff!” Jack smiled at his little dog. With that, he was off to the mountains to ask his fellow neighbors for assistance in his murderous rampage.

It was a bright sunshiny day, clear enough for Jack to think straight for the rest of the afternoon, thank heavens. The walk to the mountains did not take long at all, and he was very satisfied by that fact, because Mr. Jack is quite normally impatient. This was not his first trip to the mountains, but it was the first time that he was confident enough that he wouldn’t get lost again. He longed for the day that he would be able to come to the mountain without getting lost so that he could spy on Eve as she made her weekly soak in the hot springs.

When he arrived at the carpenter’s house, Jack knocked loudly at the door… constantly.

“muffle, muffle” the door opened. “What is the meaning of…”

“I need help!” Jack yelled wide-eyed at the older gentleman in the doorway.

“Hmm? Is it an emergency?” the carpenter now had a look of concern on his face.

“Yes. My farm is being invaded!” Jack resumed his intensity.

“Uh, well… I guess I could come over and take a look around for you. I don’t exactly know what you mean by ‘invaded’, but I’ll see what the matter is.” And with that, the man was off to the farm.

Meanwhile, Jack continued on his new quest to find helpers. It wasn’t long before he found Eve’s grandfather on his morning walk, just waiting for an adventure to take place.

“Help me, Eve’s grandpa! My farm is being invaded!” Jack yelled as he ran to the man, scaring the old chum half to death.

“The aliens have come back… alert the entire village! They’ve found me!” the elderly man suddenly became very fearful. His eyes lit up in a way that Jack had never seen before, and suddenly he was very scared as well. Was it really possible that an alien species had come to invade his farm, and not just some pesky rodents like he had thought?

“Aliens! What are we gonna do?” Jack exclaimed.

“I’ve waited fifteen years for those buggers to return, it is time I ended this! Go to the village and tell everyone! We need to formulate a plan on how to capture and dipose of these creatures.” The confused man limped away as fast as his tired legs would allow him to.

Jack stood there for a moment, unable to move. He just stood there thinking, until his thoughts disappeared into the wind.

“What’s that I hear about aliens?” the fisherman suddenly appeared from behind Jack, having overheard the exciting conversation that had just taken place. Jack did not turn around to greet him, he remained immobile. The fisherman waved his arms about furiously, trying to wake Jack up from whatever trance he was in, but he could do nothing. “Jack! Hello in there?”

Intermission

“By heavens, where are the rest of the villagers!” Eve’s elderly grandfather shouted from across the field at the carpenter.

“This is no matter for them, it is only an infestation of rodents. It’s really nothing to worry about at all, I can deal with the situation single handedly. But where is Jack?” the carpenter cocked an eyebrow.

“I sent him to alert the people! I tell you, the aliens have returned to finish what they started. That young feller’s grandfather and I went through hell the last time they came around, and I knew they would come back some time! We can’t let them overrun us, not now! Not ever!” the old man said in all seriousness. The carpenter felt badly for the man, knowing that his mind wasn’t what it used to be.

Ruff had followed close by as the fisherman showed up at the farm. He considered for a moment telling them what had happened to Jack up in the mountains, but he decided against it in case it was nothing but a big prank.

“Ah, the fisherman. Can you do us all a favor and take him back to the mountains?” the carpenter pointed accusingly at the elderly man beside him.

“Well sure, what seems to be the problem?” the fisherman was very interested.

“You can’t take me! I’m the only one who can save us!” the old man raved loudly. Ruff found the man very amusing, and began to bark and jump in attempt to play with him.

“Why don’t you go warn your granddaughter of what is happening? Surely of all things, she must be the most important to protect.” The fisherman used his intellect to outsmart the old man. Eve would definitely be able to calm him down and make sure that he took his meds, putting the whole fiasco behind them.

“Eve, yes! I must get her out of the village before it is too late! I shall return.” And with that, he was gone.

The fisherman and the carpenter entered the tool shed together, but no trace of any rodents could be seen anywhere. Ruff sniffed high and low, determined to help these men find whatever it was that they were looking for. In just a few short seconds, Ruff had found a footprint and began barking to alert them of the clue.

“Good boy, Ruff. Hmm, these don’t look like animal prints at all. They don’t belong to aliens, ofcourse, but strange nonetheless.” The carpenter studied the prints hard. Suddenly, from behind them came the sound of a footstep. Both men turned quickly to see where the sound had come from, but not fast enough. The little critter was out the door of the shed before they could catch a glimpse of it.

Running as fast as they could, they emerged from the tool shed into the sunlight and studied the fields before them.

“Ruff, ruff!” Ruff barked, running out into the fields in obvious pursuit of something. Seeing this, the two men struggled to a considerable pace to join the chase. The action ended when they reached the old bolted up well. Upon further inspection, the fisherman realized that one of the boards had been taken off the well.

“Isn’t that curious.”

Just then, Jack arrived on the scene having recently awakened from his state of… whatever.

“Jack, did you do this?” the carpenter asked instinctively. Jack looked at the well and shook his head defiantly. The man had meant the removal of the board, but Jack had thought he meant the building of the well. Either way, this had been the first time that Jack had ever been near the well in his life.

“That is just the strangest thing.” The fisherman observed.

Unable to stand the suspense, the carpenter bent down and pulled away the rest of the boards to get a look inside the well, but was disappointed to see that it was still too dark to see anything. “Damn, do you have a flashlight, Jack?”

“Nope, I have something better.” Jack proclaimed, and with that, he picked up Ruff and threw him mercilessly down the well. Both men were stunned, but were fast relieved upon hearing the barking from within the well.

“He’s okay, so it must be safe.” Jack smiled, tongue hanging out as usual. “Look out, boy! Here I come!” Jack yelled as he jumped in after his pet. The two men tried to grab and hold onto the boy in an attempt to keep him from landing on the poor animal, but they were too slow.

Yelp

“Jack! Are you two okay?” the fisherman yelled down.

Jack looked around, this had been no ordinary well. He found himself in a room, one that looked like a small home for very small people. Furniture and appliances all around, it was an amazing sight. But Jack was frightened. He called up for a sledge hammer, he needed a weapon to protect both himself and his little dog, whom by the way was alright.

The fisherman ran ran back to farm as fast as he could, leaving the carpenter behind to ask questions.

“What do you see, Jack?” the carpenter hollered.

“I see… a Barbie’s dream house!” was all that the confused boy could muster. Just then, out of the corners of the furniture, little heads began to poke their way out. It took a moment for Jack to realize what was happening, but in time he concluded that these were indeed real elves.

“Jack, what is going on?” the carpenter begged for a plausible answer.

“Santa’s workshop in my own backyard!” Jack’s eyes went wide. Ruff hid snugly behind his master’s legs, afraid of the little people and what their intentions may be.

The carpenter could not take any more. With a deep breath, he lunged into the well to join his friends. Simply put, he was shocked at what he saw.

“Worker elves…they really do exist!” the carpenter put his hand on Jack’s shoulder, in total awe of what lay before them.

One of the small elves walked forward from his hiding place towards the visitors.

“I have the hammer!” the fisherman tossed the tool down to Jack.

“You’re dead now!” Jack held the weapon out infront of him.

“Wait!” the elf begged. “We mean you no harm!” the carpenter struggled to keep Jack at a distance, constraining him.

“I think he’s telling the truth Jack!” he tried.

“I am, I am! How else do you think your crops have been growing? You don’t water them or anything!” the elf pleaded for their safety.

Jack suddenly stopped his struggling and stared at the tiny elves.

“You see, Jack? They want to be your friends.” The carpenter smiled gently.

Jack walked slowly forward, not wanting to scare the leader elf in any way.

SMACK!

The hammer came down upon the elf with a thud, crushing the elf beneath it. The rest of the elves panicked, screaming in fear.

“That’ll teach you to call me a bad farmer.” Jack smiled remorselessly.

“What have you done!” the carpenter stared in disbelief.

“Rodents need to be exterminated! Plus I wanna kill something, I don’t have any chickens yet.” Jack explained.

“Kill the murderers!” an elven voice sounded from the crowd, sending off a chain reaction of hateful warcries.

The fisherman acted fast, throwing down the rope he had taken from the toolshed, though he still was not completely sure what was happening down in the dark well. Jack began to climb the rope clumsily with Ruff hanging from his back loosely. The carpenter, unfortunately, was getting the worst of the deal with all the small elves crazily crawling over him and beating him with all they had.

“Hurry up Jack, they’re breaking skin!” he yelled in pain.

Emerging from the other side of the field, Eve and her grandfather could be heard.

“Grandfather, come back!” Eve yelled.

“No! I must stop the invasion!” the raving maniac ran hastily towards the commotion with a small stick of dynamite in his hand.

Jack finally managed to climb his way out from the well and the carpenter was now given the space he needed to crawl the rest of the way up.

“See you in hell, martians!” Eve’s grandfather lit the dynamite and threw it into the well, unaware that the carpenter had not yet made his way up the rope.

It all happened very quickly. The fisherman pushed Jack to the ground just before the explosion and the destruction of the well.

“Haha!” the old man celebrated by himself while his granddaughter stood in amazement.

Jack slowly got up to his feet. Normally, he would have celebrated along with the old man, but the sight of Eve made him stop dead in his tracks as he stared at her perfect frame before him. The fisherman looked on at the wreckage, too shaken for words.

“Oh, my God! Are you alright, Jack?” Eve rushed to his assistance. He looked at her in awe, that was the coolest explosion EVER!

Intermission

The carpenter turned out to be alright afterall, aside from a few broken bones and looking burnt to a crisp, but the elves all tragically perished. It was decided amongst the town that Eve’s grandfather had to be sent away so that he could be taken care of… by communists.

Jack was just glad that he had properly protected his farm against outside forces. Perhaps this was his first big step towards becoming a master harvester, but unfortunately the credit was all given to Eve’s grandfather. That didn’t matter, as long as one day they all knew how special he was, and how contributing to the town he could be.

Eve stayed with him for the remainder of the day, making sure that he was not hurt or affected by the day’s events.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay if I leave for the night, Jack?”

“For the last time, no!” Jack was getting annoyed.

“Haha, you’re silly. Tell you what, how about I stop by tomorrow on my way to work to check up on you?” she smiled warmly.

Jack considered this thoughtfully, but could not understand why she had to leave at all. She hugged him sweetly and in seconds she was gone, leaving him alone with his thoughts. The hug was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. He quickly picked up his journal, but suddenly the events of the day were all but forgotten.

Yeer:1 Munth:1 Day:15

Eev and I did sumthing notty, and nao I hav 2 go tak car uv sumthing. O and I kild won uv santas elfs. Mi feelds ar good.

THE END

[sbester]

EPISODE FOUR: THE DANCE

It was the 23rd of the month, and the day of the flower festival. Jack had never been to a town celebration like this in his entire life, but he was very excited nonetheless. A knock at his door sounded and he was suddenly overjoyed that someone had come to see him. He opened the door and looked around, but could see nothing.

“Down here.” Came the voice of the mayor below.

“Buddy!” Jack picked him up and hugged him tightly.

“Yes, yes… erm, not so tight now.” Jack set the man down. “I just came by to notify you that the flower festival will be taking place today at town square. My daughter Maria will be there, I don’t think you two have met before so it will be very interesting indeed.”

“What is the flower festival?” Jack beckoned.

“Why, it is the greatest festival of all. There is dancing and all sorts of wonderful things. I met my wife there, and perhaps you will meet your future missus as well! I used to be quite the ladies man back in my day, you know.” The mayor winked with pride. Jack had no idea what a ladyman would look like, but he was pretty sure he didn’t want to picture it in his mind. “Oh, and one more thing: Maria likes flowers and green perfume. She absolutely detests cakes, poisonous mushrooms, and weeds… but don’t we all.”

Jack was confused by this, was it really expected of him to buy gifts for a girl he had never met before? He nodded slowly, unknowing of what to say. Poisonous mushrooms and weeds…

“Oh, looks like you have visitors. I shall be on my way, see you there.” The mayor left just as Eve and Nina had approached the farm, whispering to themselves in clear dissatisfaction for one another.

“Hello, Jack.” They both said at the same time, then glared at each other.

“Hi!” Jack greeted, relieved at the lack of confusion.

“Are you coming to town square today?” Nina asked intently.

“Nope. I’m going to the flower festival.” Jack looked at them proudly. The girls laughed foolishly at the assumed joke, but Jack was serious.

These people laugh at everything.

“Well we hope to see you there.” Eve smiled angelically. “I can’t wait until I get to smell that wonderfully scented pink perfume.” She hinted.

“Oh, no. The green perfume is the best.” Nina challenged.

Jack, knowing fullwell that he would not be able to remember which color perfume each liked the most decided to get clues of what else they liked.

“Perfume sucks.” They stared at him wordlessly, unaware of what he had meant by this. “I like… flowers.” He thought back to Maria’s dislikes.

“Flowers are nice, and cakes.” Nina remarked.

“I like anything that is given from the heart, those are the real treasures in life.” Eve aimed a fake smile over at Nina. “Oh, but I hate fish.” She suddenly remembered.

“Yes, treasure is good.” Jack looked down, trying to memorize the likes and dislikes of both girls.

Another odd look circulated, and the girls took this as a sign that it was time to end the conversation. They said their goodbyes and departed, wondering what the rest of the day had in store for them all. It was an important time in all of the youths lives today in the village, they were all growing up and becoming young adults. Jack was very slow to realize this, unfortunately, and his low mental capacity left him straggling behind them all. Luckily for him, he was too stupid to understand that.

“This is going to be a great day!” he smiled giddily!

Intermission

Jack made sure to take a trip up to the mountains before making his way to the celebration at town square. He remembered to get all the gifts that he could find… or at least he thought he did. Ofcourse, he didn’t even consider going to town to ask Ellen or Ann about their likes and dislikes, for he did not like them.

Town square was decorated completely with flower arrangements of all kinds. Jack felt like a ladyman just for being in such a girlish place wondering why on earth he had bothered to show up there in the first place. But that all changed when he saw Nina and Eve, both standing by themselves in the most gorgeous dresses he could ever have imagined.

“Hi, Jack!” came Ann’s voice. Jack walked away. “Wow, father was right. He is a very shy boy.”

Jack couldn’t decide which girl to talk to first, then he decided maybe he didn’t need to make that decision at all. He walked up to Eve, because she was the closest to him and hollered, “Hey you!”

“Uh, me?” Nina looked at him questioningly from across the floor.

“Yeah, come here a minute.” Jack said.

“Haha, Jack, you’re so funny. With all the things that seem to go wrong in your life, I’m so glad you can keep such a positive attitude.” Eve flirted.

Nina walked over, a little offended that he didn’t walk over to her instead. She greeted him sweetly nonetheless, and then hinted that the perfumes smelled wonderful.

“Oh yes, simply amazing.” Eve agreed.

“I don’t smell anything except for these flowers. I have allergies.” Jack said matter of factly.

“Wouldn’t it be great to finally own some of our own, Eve?” Nina pushed on.

“Oh, yes! I would love that too!”

Jack thought long and hard at this. “You should definitely buy some.” He agreed. They both looked at him, stunned. Then he remembered their gifts… but which gifts belonged to which girl? This was not going according to plan at all. Think… think… what were the last words they each said? Goodbye. No, wait… I don’t want to give them that. Cakes and Fish! But which one likes which? Jack told them he would be right back. He had caught a fish earlier that day in the mountains, but he needed to find a cake very quickly.

“Hello, there Jack. Have you met my daughter yet?” the mayor’s beautiful wife popped her head out amongst the crowd as he was passing by.

“Do you have a cake?” Jack asked, ignoring her question completely.

“Uh… a cake? Well, uh… yes I do, in fact. Why is it that you ask?”

“I need it bad.” Jack nodded for no apparent reason.

“Well it was supposed to be for later, but I’m sure you’re famished, you poor dear. It must be hard working by yourself day after day on that old farm, the cake is on the table over there.” She pointed to the other side of the square. Jack ran immediately towards it.

Picking up the cake, he ran back to the two girls he admired so much. They stared at him as he took the fish out of his pocket and dropped the gifts on the floor in front of them; the cake exploded all over the ground. Jack smiled at his accomplishment as they looked on in total astonishment and confusion.

“You really know how to take a joke too far.” Nina said furiously.

“Aw, I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it, Nina.” Eve tried.

Jack was suddenly confused, didn’t he get the gifts right? The poor boy didn’t have enough money to buy perfume for either of them, which he most likely wouldn’t have done sensibly anyway. He apologized and walked away in shame, not knowing what do or how to deal with the situation. Just then, Ellen showed up.

“Hi, Jack. What seems to be the matter?”

“I gave Eve and Nina presents. They didn’t like them.” He said sadly.

“Aw, that’s too bad. Don’t worry about it, they’re just being spoiled brats. I would appreciate anything that was given to me, whether it was in my best tastes or not. You don’t happen to have anything for me, do you Jack?” Ellen bit her lip.

“I’m not giving you your dog back, if that’s what you mean.” Jack said angrily and walked away, but stopped and turned to stick out his tongue at her.

“Jack!” the mayor called, just as Jack was on his way out of town square. “You must come and meet my daughter, Jack.” He stepped towards him. “This is Maria. Maria, this is the new farm boy, Jack.” The mayor said as a beautiful young girl stepped forward and curtsied before him. She had long blue hair and wore a schoolgirl’s outfit. She was nothing like Eve or Nina in any way, but retained her femininity, unlike Ann or Ellen. There was a certain eminence radiating from her, some kind of power that told him that this was a very special girl who was both devoted and kind.

“Poisonous mushrooms and weeds.” Jack whispered to himself.

“Pleased to meet you, sir.” She said shyly.

“Meet to please you.”

“Ah, the dance is beginning! Why don’t you ask her to dance with you, Jack?” the mayor asked.

Jack nodded, not thinking about the fact that he did not know how to dance. Together, they joined hands and met in the middle of the square with the rest of the young people of the village. One by one, the girls circled around their partners, while the young men moved gracefully along. Jack looked around, clueless as to what to do.

“You all look very stupid.” He laughed out loud.

As uncomfortable as he was, Jack was truly in awe of how Maria danced. Her eyes were shut, her movements flawless, and her glow… there was truly something special about this girl, but Jack couldn’t understand what. Perhaps this was the girl for him, above the rest. Looking around for an easy answer, he glanced at Eve and Nina as they danced. More beautiful than ever, but why did they not emanate the same wonderful glow that Maria did?

Putting his hand on Maria’s shoulders, Jack told her to stop dancing.

“Is something the matter, Jack?” Maria looked very concerned.

“Could you kick their asses?” he pointed towards the other girls.

“…Wh…why would I want to do that?” she could barely spit out the words now.

“They said you are a dumb dumb.” Jack’s facial expression never changed.

Maria considered this carefully before answering. “I believe… that they may feel ill towards me because of my father’s position in the town, and perhaps they are right to have such feelings. But my actions define who I am, and not my position. They must remember that God loves us all equally.”

Jack walked away. She sounded like a sermon, and he wouldn’t have any part of it. Maria was taken aback by what had just happened, although she did not fully understand his reasons for leaving.

Now, Jack may not have been the most polite fellow in town; but despite the way he acted, he really did like Maria. He just wished she wouldn’t talk. Ever. Now if only there were a way to get that perfume for the girls, he thought to himself.

“Jack,” Maria had followed him. “Did I say something to upset you?”

Jack almost panicked, there must be something to stop her from talking! He looked around quickly, there was nothing around him but decorations. That’s it! He thought. Quickly, he grabbed a bunch of flowers from the wall beside him and held them out for Maria.

“Oh, how… thoughtful.” She took them from him.

“Yeah, I think a lot.” Jack agreed. “I brought them from home.”

Knowing that he was lying, the kind girl thought nothing of it. She knew he was embarrassed, and people who are embarrassed lie.

“I think they are beautiful. Thank you. I must be going now, I promised the priest that I would help him set up for tomorrow’s charity event in the church. Good-bye, and it was nice to finally meet you.” She smiled and walked away.

Charity…

“For me?” he reached into his empty pockets. Whatever was he going to do about growing crops next season? The little elves that tended to his fields were all dead, and he still hadn’t figured out how to ‘spread his seeds’ yet. To his surprise, however, his pockets were not completely empty. The contents within consisted of weeds and a poisonous mushroom. It was only then that he thought perhaps maybe if he gave back to the community, they would be willing to help him out in times of need as well.

Filled with a sense of purpose, Jack walked confidently across town square with the weeds and mushroom held securely in his arms. With pride and amusement, he dropped the gifts at the feet of Ann, the tomboy he knew to be an inventor. He had never thought twice about her level of intelligence, always shunned the fact that this girl may one day create something worth his time; but today, it was in his best interest to pay her the attention she deserved and compliment her on her brilliance.

“Oh, you couldn’t afford perfume so you did what you could to get me a gift anyways?” her eyes lit up and the beginning of a smile formed across her face.

“Not exactly. Can you make me a sandwich?”

Intermission

It had been a very confusing day, and Jack was actually quite glad that it was finally over. He still had no clue what the girls liked or disliked, he just knew whom he liked and whom he disliked. Wasn’t that all that really mattered? The poor farmer boy still had a lot to learn about adulthood, but he surely couldn’t learn it all in one day.

“I don’t know what to do, Ruff.” Jack slumped down on his bed. Ruff was nowhere to be seen.

Ruff (muffled).

Jack walked over to the door and let his dog inside. “Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you!”

Suddenly, raindrops could be heard falling on the roof.

“Ohhhh! You love the rain, Ruff!” he jumped for joy before booting the pup back outside into the pouring rain.

Yeer:1 Munth:1 Day:23

2day I wos at the town box and I gived manee prezints too the gerls. Maria. I need muny reelee bad and sumhow I will come up with a way too git it. Donnt werry muther and fother, the farm is in good hanz. Flawers ar prittee. I hat perfyoom.

Having written yet again in the little journal, Jack’s day was complete and he could finally go to sleep.

“’Night Ruff.”

THE END

(When writing this, I found Jack’s inability to remember details about the girls really funny. Upon finishing it, I realized that all of us guys are the same way as Jack in that respect, and perhaps this episode should be a tribute to the women in our lives who will never understand why.)

[sbester]

EPISODE FIVE: RAINY DAY

On what was supposed to be a very hot and sunshiny summer day, it rained. It poured. Finally, it stormed. Jack, of course, loved the rain. He loved to laugh in it, he loved to play in it, he loved to sing and dance in it, and he loved to make a mess in it. Unfortunately, on this particular dark and stormy day, the roof of Jack’s house was leaking.

At first, the young rascal was overjoyed by the thought of his house becoming like a swimming pool, but then he realized it would be all for naught when he finally opened the door to the entrance. Being the sly chap that he was, he knew that his first course of action would be to take care of the leak on the inside. A bucket would have been sufficient if placed directly under the leak, but what was to happen when it overflowed? No, a bucket wouldn’t do at all. Instead, jack went out to his tool shed and grabbed his trust sledge hammer, still coated with the blood of the elf he had mutilated not one month ago. With a gigantic swing, Jack put a hole in his floor right under the leaky ceiling.

Proud of his smart thinking, he then decided that he could handle this entire job of fixing the roof on his own, without the help of the carpenter or his trusty aid.

A crash of thunder sounded quickly after a blast of lightning lit up the sky outside of Jack’s small farmhouse, scaring Jack’s little dog, Ruff, to the point of yelping.

“I’m not afraid at all.” Jack stood proudly.

The next step would be actually going on the roof and fixing the leak. Now, he could have waited until the storm was over, but his house may be flooded completely by that point. In the end, Jack made the decision to fix it now rather than later.

Back in the tool shed, Jack prepared the necessary equipment to complete the task. First, he was going to make steps on the side of his house to allow him to go on the rooftops whenever he pleased. For this, he fetched a hammer and some nails. The next step required that filled the hole. For that: chewing gum.

Soon, Jack was outside in the middle of the storm hammering nails deep into the side of his house. Considering his lack of competence, he did a fine job in the reckless destruction of the side wall, and was quickly able to climb the nails to the top of the roof with little difficulty.

Ruff watched from down below as Jack tried clumsily to walk along the slanted surface until slipping on the wet logs and falling helplessly to the dampened ground. This happened three times.

It was then that it occurred to the youngster that perhaps he should go find something in the shed to help him keep his balance while on the roof. Frustrated and embarrassed at having such difficulties, Jack marched angrily back to the shed where he searched long and hard for a long stick of some sort. There were no sticks to mention, but he did manage to find a long metal pole that perhaps may have been used for various jobs around the farm by his grandfather.

Jack went back outside into the worsening storm and again climbed up the side of the house to the roof where he attempted to plant the pole down between the wooden logs to help him gain his balance. This did not work, and Jack fell to the ground once more. Despite how he felt after this failed attempt, the brave little soldier got back up and continued to climb to the rooftops. This time his plan was foolproof, he drove the pole right through the logs and into the ceiling and held on tightly as he examined the roof for the source of the leak.

“I found it!” he yelled down to his loyal dog, and placed the chewing gum in the appropriate spot. Jumping up and down on the spot in celebration led to yet another fall, as the pole stayed planted in the roof.

“Well, that takes care of that!” Jack grinned down at Ruff proudly.

CRASH!

Lightning struck the pole in a quick flash and within seconds the roof was on fire.

“What are the chances of that?” Jack cried.

Intermission

The boy and his dog stared as the flames began to engulf the whole of the rooftops.

“It’s okay, pal, the fire can’t get to the inside of the house.” Jack reassured his friend. “Plus, I’m pretty sure the rain will put it out.”

But the rain did not work fast enough, and it soon became apparent to the farmer that the situation was becoming very critical very fast. After numerous attempts to convince Ruff to go get help, Jack decided it was all up to him once again.

At a fast pace, Jack ran inside the house and grabbed his favorite belongings to move them to the henhouse.

First, he grabbed his diary and ran it over to its new location. Then, he struggled to carry the television out, which ended in him dragging it through the mud across the way. The last thing was his bed. It was then that he realized the fire was now on the inside of the house and would soon engulf the entire premises.

With all his might, he pulled the bed out from the corner of the room, and then got in behind it and pushed. All was going well until one of the bed legs got stuck in the hole he had recently created under the leaking ceiling.

“I know what you are trying to do, God, but I will NOT go to church!” Jack tried lifting the bed, but to no avail. The roof was now beginning to collapse, and Jack realized he was running out of time.

Just then, the pole that had been wedged in the roof fell down right in front of the bed. Jack attempted to pick it up, but it was too hot and he quickly dropped it. He could not for the life of him figure out how the pole had survived so long when his roof had easily been burned to ashes.

Ruff barked weakly from outside the burning house, and Jack took that as a signal to leave. There was nothing more that could be done for the home, and Jack would have to find something else to sleep in from now on. Side by side, the boy and his dog stood watching as the house collapsed into a flaming heap before them.

“Oops.”

Then Jack realized something, if the villagers found out what had happened, he would be cast out and would have to go back home to his parents and admit his failure. No matter what, Jack had to make sure that no one ever found out about this! It would mean the end of him.

The only thing he could think to do was to go to town and make sure that no one came to visit him today, even though it was still storming terribly and no one would be outside anyways… it didn’t occur to poor old Jack. Running at a fast pace towards town, Ruff following close behind as their shoes filled with water, Jack’s heart started racing very fast at what may soon happen to him.

The town looked deserted, and Jack thought perhaps his luck was changing for the better. He then began to think hard about what could be done to fix the situation. The obvious answer was to rebuild, and rebuild he would!

“It can’t be that hard, can it?” Jack turned to Ruff for guidance. “People make houses, and I’m people! All I need is some wood. And if I finish before the storm ends, no one will know a thing!” he smiled excitedly at his resolve.

Before heading up to the mountains to cut some trees down, Jack and Ruff made a quick stop back at the farm to pick up an axe from the tool shed, which was now his new home. The mountains had trees all around, and Jack wouldn’t have any problem getting enough wood. Choosing the biggest tree he could find, he began to hack away at it in hopes that it would come down easily. It took longer than he had expected, but eventually the tree came down with a thud. The next tree was a little bit smaller and Jack was able to chop it down with little problem.

The third tree was a problem, although he did not know why. Something told him deep inside that he should not touch this tree and that he should leave it alone, but he couldn’t remember why; so he began to hack at it anyway. The surface of the tree seemed thicker somehow, and jack was having a very hard time cutting through… but that didn’t stop him, nothing would. With all his might, he pressed on and soon he was able to knock it down.

What he saw next reminded him why he was not supposed to knock this particular tree down. This tree was the tree that the carpenter lived in, and where he was at this very moment recovering from last season’s ‘incident’. The house remained the same, except that it now had no walls or ceiling to protect it, and the carpenter was just waking up from a nap to find that his tree had been knocked down.

Seeing this, Jack froze in panic. The carpenter looked around, unable to think straight and refusing to believe what his eyes were telling him.

“Some storm we’re having today.” Jack smiled as he hid the axe behind his back.

“J…Jack? What happened?”

Jack ran away, leaving the axe on the ground. This was the last straw. The carpenter could not take this troubled boy or his bologna any longer, it was time to get even with him. The carpenter, in a rage of fury, decided he was going to kill the destroyer of him home and his health. Getting out of his now soaking wet bed, the carpenter picked up the axe from the ground and began walking towards town where Jack had run for safety.

“This time you’ve gone too far, runt!”

Intermission

Jack did not know what to do now. The carpenter had caught him in the act, he was finished! The carpenter was probably on his way to the mayor’s house to tell him what had happened right then, and there was nothing he could do about it. Unless…

Despite how out of breath the young farmer was from all of the running, he jogged at a steady pace towards the mayor’s house in hopes of beating the carpenter there. His mission was a success. Knocking on the door, Jack began to call for help.

The door opened slowly and a tired mayor could be seen. “Jack? What seems to be the problem?”

“I’m going to kill you!” the carpenter yelled from twenty feet away, holding high the axe that was used to cut down his home.

“Oh, my…” the mayor looked on in shock.

“What did you do to him?” Jack stared stupidly at the mayor.

“I think he means you!” the mayor grabbed Jack and pulled him inside, tightly shutting the door and locking it for security.

Like a scene from a horror movie, the carpenter began to hack at the front door of the mayor’s house, determined to end the life of the poor unlucky young man who had accidentally destroyed his life.

Inside the house, the family began to panic. They had no clue what had driven the carpenter to such extremes, but they knew that they had to do something to protect themselves or be murdered in a matter of minutes. The mayor, his lovely wife, and their precious daughter all stood close to each other as they discussed a plan of escape while Jack fixed himself a snack in the kitchen. When he turned around, the family was gone, apparently forgetting the poor defenseless youth by himself.

With a final swing of the axe, the carpenter had penetrated through the doorway and entered the home in a mad frenzy.

“You! Why did you take everything from me? Why! You murdered an elf, you left me for dead, you chopped down my home… and for what?” the carpenter lifted the axe high in the air, closing the gap between him and Jack.

“I have good answers for all of those.” Jack proclaimed.

“It’s too late for that.” The carpenter began to swing downward at the boy. Jack closed his eyes tightly as he was about to meet his end, but it never came. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Ruff was biting the carpenter’s leg and refused to let go. The carpenter kicked hard in attempt to rid himself of the dog, and Jack took his chance to escape.

Jack ran back out the front door and the carpenter soon followed, now running at an equally fast pace.

“Put the axe down!” called the voice of the bartender. He was standing not 10 feet away, joined by the carpenter’s worried younger apprentice, the fisherman, and the town priest.

“He… he… he!” the carpenter couldn’t think straight. He was too angry, too overcome with rage to speak the words he wanted to.

“It’s okay, we can fix this. You just need to calm down and put down the weapon.” The priest assured him.

The carpenter did not know what to do. With all the courage left in his heart, he dropped the axe and surrendered.

Hearing all the commotion, other townsfolk began pouring into the stormy streets to see what had happened.

“We’ll fix this.” The priest walked up to him and smiled. “We want to help.”

“Speak for yourself! He tried to kill us!” the mayor and his family showed up.

“He broke down my door!” the mayor’s wife cried in peril.

“He scared me half to death!” Maria was in tears.

“I just came from the mountains, he chopped down all the trees!” the fisherman yelled in outrage.

“He…” Jack was feeling left out by the accusations. “He burned down my house!”

Shocked, the townsfolk went nuts. They yelled, they screamed, they cursed at the carpenter. The man was ruined, and now unarmed.

Intermission

It was decided to send the carpenter away. Something had thrown him over the edge of sanity, and there was no saving him now. The townspeople felt sorry for Jack, and everyone offered to help rebuild his home just the way it was… but bigger.

The carpenter’s apprentice became the new carpenter in town and everyone was happy with how things were going from then on, especially Jack.

A doghouse was built for Ruff in honor of his brave actions in saving his master’s life. The people praised the young pup as a hero, and everyone met in the church the next day to thank God for allowing Jack to survive all of the ordeals that faced him. Jack was absent.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 2 Day: 11

The farm didnnt bern daoon I swaar. It got biggr. The carpintr wint crazie and tride to kill me but im aliv. Hes gonn nao. Ruff got a doggee haoose to and its cool. I miss yoo both a lot and im ok. I donnt lik storms aneemore.

Curling up in his nice new bed, Jack drifted off to sleep.

THE END

(Hope you enjoyed this change of pace!)

[sbester]

EPISODE SIX: HARVEST

There are two things evident about Jack. The first is that he is not socially experienced. The second is that his stupidity can lead to danger quite easily.

The harvest festival is the celebration held by the (unspecified name) townsfolk every fall, when all the people are encouraged to bring their own ingredient to add to a large stew pot which is later stirred and cooked thoroughly so that everyone can eat and enjoy it. Being a very clueless bunch, off in a secluded town where almost no one cares to venture, the townspeople are nearly as socially dense as our old buddy Jack. It is for that reason, that no one caught on to the dangers of inviting the young farmer to the festival this year.

“And be sure to be on time!” the mayor added cheerfully before leaving Jack’s home.

“Yes, sir!” Jack barely paid attention. He had always wondered why he was the only one in town who seemed to lose track of time. This was because Jack did not own a clock or a watch. Idiot.

When Jack shut the door, he realized that this particular festival was going to be his one true chance of the year to prove himself as a capable farmer. A smile began to form across his lips as he imagined the looks on people’s faces as he dropped his gorgeous crop into the stew. How jealous they would be, and how the girls would praise him on his efforts. This event could make or break him.

Another knock at the door came suddenly. It was the local fortune teller, come with news of the future from the great beyond. Seeing the familiar face excited Jack very much, and he gave her a big hug before any words could be spoke.

“I come with… let go, I can’t breathe. News!” she said in an eerie tone of voice.

“No thanks, I hate reading.”

“Not the newspaper, retard! I bring news of the future… stay away from the harvest festival tomorrow! Stay Away!” she warned as she walked away, still staring at the confused boy.

“The midget said to go… so I’m gonna go.” Jack blinked his answer to himself. Time to choose a vegetable!

But when Jack looked into the fields, he realized that there were no crops. The idiot still hadn’t learned how to manage them, or even where to begin. It seemed he would have to improvise… somehow.

It was a terrible situation, but with absolutely no effort put into his farming duties, it was no wonder he found himself in it. With Ruff by his side, Jack walked into town to try and figure out a solution.

Whence the boy and his dog found their way to the small park consisting of two trees and a garden, Jack sat down to think some more. There were always different things growing up in the mountains, perhaps he could take a look there. Or maybe the fisherman could teach him how to catch fish… (let’s thank God that didn’t come to pass).

Suddenly, a cloud of smoke circled around the young farmer and a mysterious man appeared out of nowhere.

“Hello, Jack… I’ve been waiting for you!” the small, crazy man giggled to himself.

“…Jesus?” Jack’s mouth hung open in astonishment.

“Erm… not quite. They call me… the peddler!”

Intermission

“Oh, I know you! Didn’t you fight Batman?” Jack bounced around excitedly.

“No, that was the Riddler. I am here to save you from failure, Jack. Think of me as a more masculine fairy godmother of sorts. I have something that will be of great value to you.” The little man smiled widely.

“Gimme, gimme, gimme!” Jack held out his hands to the stranger.

“Uh, uh, uh! Not so fast, Jack. It wouldn’t be fair for me to give these valuable items to you for nothing, don’t you agree?”

“No.”

The peddler now looked somewhat un-amused. “These Rare seeds cost 2000 gold. If you don’t pay up, I’m afraid I cannot give them to you.”

Jack considered this for a moment. If this man had been waiting for him, he must know a lot of things. If he knew so much, then why the hell didn’t he know that Jack was broke?

“Something smells fishy.” Jack crinkled his nose at the man.

“Oh? I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“I mean you stink. You should shower.” Jack instructed sincerely.

“Yes, well… I guess I’ll be off to go do that. Unless…”

“Okay, bye!” Jack turned away.

“Wait!” the peddler yelled. “Unless there were another way for you to pay me.” He said, smiling ever so sinisterly.

Jack thought long and hard for an answer, but couldn’t think of one.

“Tell me,” the peddler continued. “What is your most prized possession?”

“What’s that?”

“The thing of most value in which you own.”

Jack was even more confused now.

“What’s the bestest thing in the entire world?” the peddler was getting annoyed.

“Ruff!” Jack held his dog high in the air.

“Ah, well then perhaps we have a deal?” the peddler giggled again happily.

“What deal?”

“My seeds for your dog.”

“How about you pay me 2000 gold for my dog, then I pay you 2000 gold for the seeds, and then we can sit down and sing a song!” Jack liked this idea better, it was much more fair.

“I don’t have two thou… very well.” The peddler used a chocolate coin in place of the gold, knowing Jack wouldn’t know the difference at all. With that, he gave the rare seeds to Jack and disappeared into another cloud of smoking, laughing loudly to no one in particular.

“What a nice criminal.” Jack began the venture home.

Upon returning to the farm, Jack buried the seeds under the soil and watered them in hopes that they would bloom into wondrous vegetables the next day.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 3 Day: 11

I lost mi dog but I got seeds 4 him. I feel bad but I no that u will bee praood uv me 4 it win tomoro I will b the bestest at the festvl.

Jack woke up bright and early the next day and ran outside as fast as he could to see what had happened in his fields. To his surprise, something had actually grown overnight… flowers. Studying them hard for a moment, Jack tried to think of any sort of situation in which the townsfolk may let him put any sort of plant into the stew. Even Jack wasn’t that stupid.

“He… took my puppy.” Jack had tears in his eyes now, never before had he seen this dark side of life. He was duped. There was only one thing he could do now, and that was to get even with the mysterious stranger he had met the day before.

With no dog at his side, the sad boy walked back inside his house to plan his revenge.

Intermission

The harvest festival began in the middle of town square, where most of the yearly festivals were held. As expected, the evil peddler had shown up to try and talk the citizens into buying his rare seeds; but Jack was ready for him.

As the day went on, the people chatted and laughed and drank while the newly arrived guests dropped their offerings into the large pot of stew. The peddler, ofcourse, had nothing to offer of his own, nor did the little weasel think twice about his rude gesture. Most of the townsfolk were smart enough to walk away from him when offered a bargain, but it was Nina that fell victim to his lies first, angering Jack from behind a wall as he hid away from the eyes of the people.

Seeing that the peddler had caught the attention of the cute girl, Jack knew that this was the time to strike. Jumping from out of his hiding space in a costume he had been saving for Halloween this month, Jack surprised his enemy.

“Stop, villain!” he called out to the peddler. The people all stopped what they were doing to look at Jack in his ridiculous outfit, consisting of his regular everyday clothes, a small mask, and a cape.

“Who are you?” the peddler inquired.

“Oh, for the love of all things holy…” the fortune teller could be heard from the crowd. “Son of a bitch just won’t listen! I’m going home!” she stormed off.

“I am the great… Farm Boy!” Jack announced. “ I have come to get my doggy, my mean, my dog back!”

“Oh, it’s just you.” The peddler laughed. “You look ridiculous!”

“No, you look ridickis!”

“Jack, is that you?” the mayor stepped forward.

Darn! Farm Boy thought to himself. My secret identity has been found out! I have to think fast!

“Nope.”

“Prove it!” the mayor cocked his eyebrow in suspicion.

In one almost fluid motion, Farm Boy kicked the mayor in his special area and watched as the poor mayor fell to the ground in pain.

“It isn’t Jack!” the mayor announced, shocking the townsfolk into loud gasps.

“Clever move, hero! Let’s see how you fair against my bag of wonders!” the peddler threw his sack of mystery at Farm Boy, which he then tripped over and fell to the ground helplessly.

“It has been a pleasure, Farm Boy, but I really must be leaving.” The peddler said as a ball of smoke exploded at his feat.

“Not so fast!” Farm Boy ran into the smoke to catch the evil fiend before he could get away, but alas, he was too late. It was impossible to see through the thick blanket of smoke, and Farm Boy swung wildly about him.

“Ow, who hit me?” Nina whined.

“Sorry, I mean… it was the bad guy!”

“Farm Boy?”

“No, the peddler!”

“Why is he the bad guy? Farm Boy kicked the mayor in the balls.” Nina said angrily.

“I just don’t like him.” Farm boy dismissed her.

Out of the thick fog, Farm Boy was kicked hard in the stomach and fell to the ground once again, this time in pain.

“You don’t give up, do you, Farm Boy?” the peddler laughed.

“You took my dog! For that you must die!” Farm Boy lunged at the shadowy figure with all his weight, knocking the villain down.

“Ahh! You have found my weakness, physical violence!” the peddler cringed in hatred. Farm Boy held him tightly, refusing to let go.

With all of his strength, the peddler wiggled free and got up to run away. Farm Boy reached out and grabbed hold of the evil man’s foot, tripping him. He fell right into the boiling pot of stew which he knocked over, spilling it all over the church-going boy from down the street.

“Wahh!” the boy cried as the stew burned his skin horrifically.

Phew, Farm Boy sighed in relief. Good thing no one likes that kid.

Farm Boy then continued to beat the living crud out of his enemy until the peddler finally gave in and swore to return the dog to him immediately.

“I’ll bring him to Jack’s farm, just don’t hurt me any more!” the peddler cried and ran away.

The crowd cheered for the new hero and Farm Boy took a bow.

“Whenever there is trouble… don’t bother calling me. I’m busy.” Farm Boy disappeared.

Minutes later, Jack returned to the festival in without his disguise on. The people were all talking about the events that had just unfolded, and everyone was eager to tell Jack the amazing story. Bored, he walked away. As usual.

Intermission

Upon his return home, Jack was happy to find that Ruff had been returned safe and sound. He hugged him tightly and promised he’d never pawn the poor animal ever again. With the stew being knocked over, no one had realized that Jack had forgotten to bring anything for it, and the rest of the festival had been a fun celebration. He chatted with all of the girls, ignored most of the elders, and enjoyed thoroughly his run in with the evil peddler.

Jack had established himself as a true hero amongst the town, and even though they didn’t know it was him, he was satisfied.

Tired out from the long day, Jack picked up his journal and began to write in it.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 3 Day: 12

Batman aynt got nuthin on me.

THE END

(Perhaps we’ll be seeing more of Farm Boy in the future…)

[sbester]

Episode Seven: Double Date

Fall was a very busy time for everyone in town, especially for Jack. It was the farmer’s job to ship enough crops during that season so that he had enough money to last through the winter. As usual, Jack was not making very much progress. As he sat outside on the ground with his little dog, Ruff, he thought long and hard about what should be done to save the farm.

Just then, Eve poked her head from around the side of Jack’s home. She was as pretty as he had ever seen, and easily took his mind off the matters at hand.

“Hi, Jack. I was just stopping by to see how you were doing.”

“Good. Bye.” Jack figured the conversation was over.

“Hahaha, and to talk, ofcourse.” Eve laughed. “I was thinking, Autumn is a very tough time on everyone, and it must be especially difficult on someone so new to this way of life. Perhaps you would like to take a day off and spend the evening with me?”

Jack was excited by this, but disturbed by the fact that a ‘day off’ was nothing really out of the ordinary for him this season… or any season.

“Yes.” Jack said slowly.

“Great! Meet me at the pub around 8, okay?” and with that, Eve was gone.

It then occurred to Jack that he had no way of telling the time, and he had to use what little money he had stored away to go buy a watch.

On his way to town, Jack stopped to consider who he would ask where he could buy one. It came to him almost immediately, Nina! Nina was knowledgeable in all things. It helped that her house was closest to his farm because Jack did not like to walk long distances.

He opened the door to her home and was greeted by her mother.

“Hello, Jack Dear. How are you?”

“I need to talk to Nina.” He replied gravely.

Nina’s mother went to Nina’s room and summoned the beautiful girl.

“Heya, Jack! I didn’t expect to see you here. You told my mother you needed to speak to me about something?”

“Yes, it’s very important.” Jack blinked harshly at her. She really was a sweet girl, and was an even match for Eve as far as looks go.

“Well then I’m all ears.” She smiled.

Jack considered this statement for a moment. It was plain to see that she was lying, perhaps she inherited that from her mother, the con artist. Poor girl.

“So,” she pushed on. “What is it?”

“I don’t remember.” Jack surprised himself with his own truth.

“Aw, did you come here to ask me out, Jack? You’re so shy, it’s sweet. Ofcourse I’ll go on a date with you! Pick me up at a quarter to 8, okay?”

“I need to buy a watch!” Jack remembered finally, forgetting the awful situation he was setting himself up for.

“Hmm, I don’t think the hawker is in town today, just take mine instead. That is, if you don’t mind having a pink watch.” She winked.

He did mind, but he accepted the tool anyways. As he walked back home, something was troubling him. What is a quarter?

Intermission

Jack met Eve at the pub right on time, being unsure what time he was to pick Nina up at. The two took a small romantic hike up to the top of the mountains, hand in hand, and all was going well as Eve continued to talk and Jack pretended to listen. They sat down and Eve set up a picnic for them.

“Isn’t this romantic, Jack?” Eve batted her eyelashes at him as she prepared the food.

“Yep. I have to go now.”

“What! Why!” Eve panicked. “You ARE coming back, aren’t you?”

“…To finish the picnic… yes!” Jack made the correct decision. Jack was only just beginning to realize the trouble he had gotten himself into.

Quickly, Jack ran down the mountains and made his way to Nina’s house. It was now 8:15.

“Jack, you’re late.” Nina answered the door.

“Could be.”

“Oh, you must have thought I said a quarter ‘after’ 8, silly. Oh well, it’s no big deal. You’re here and that is all that matters.” She came outside and locked the door behind her.

Jack was just about to lead her up the mountains to join in on his date with Eve, when Nina interrupted his plan with one of her own.

“Okay, first, I want to go to the park! And then we can go to town square for a romantic walk under the moonlight!” Nina bounced around in anticipation. Jack had no clue what to say to this, so he agreed with a wary nod.

The park was barely big enough for the two of them to sit, and it was a little awkward being in the middle of the town for everyone to see them.

“I can’t believe you asked me out, Jack! For a while I thought you liked Eve instead of me, but I guess I was wrong. Isn’t it crazy how things somehow work out in your favor like that? Gaaawwwdd, she’s gonna be soooo jealous when I get to tell her we’re out on a date! I can’t wait!”

“That reminds me, I have to leave now.” Jack stood up to go.

“What? But we’ve only just started our date, am I boring you already?” she pouted her lips like a puppy dog.

Jack almost said yes, but was afraid of what the consequences of beign wrong would be. “I’ll come back?” he asked.

“Okay, good. Don’t be too long!”

With that, Jack ran all the way back up the mountain pass to where he had left Eve and the picnic. When he returned, everything was set out perfectly and Eve sat smiling at him.

“That took a while, where did you go?” she inquired.

“To the park. I have a message for you from Nina.” Jack smiled proudly, happy to know he remembered over the long hike back.

“Oh, you saw her?”

“Yes. She wants you to know that we are on a date.” Jack continued his dumb stare.

“Oh, she knows about us, does she?” Eve laughed evilly. “Well ofcourse I know it’s a date, I set it up. Oh my God, she must be so jealous!” she celebrated.

Jack was now totally confused. Was that what Nina had meant, he didn’t think so. But Eve was smart too, perhaps she knew better than he.

“Yes, she said that word too. Jellez.”

“And she admitted it to you? Haha, I feel bad for her.” Eve pretended.

“Me too.” Jack agreed. “I forgot to do something though, be back in a minute.” Jack raced back to town before Eve had a chance to object.

Nina was sitting in the park, just where he had left her.

“What took you?” she asked.

“I was talking to Eve.” Jack was afraid of how Nina would react to this.

“Isn’t that funny that we were just talking about her? Does she know we’re on a date?”

“Um…” Jack didn’t know why people asked two questions at once, he never knew which to answer first. “Yes.”

“Haha, poor Eve.”

“Yes.” Jack answered the second question.

“Where was it that you went? That is, if you don’t mind my asking.”

“Poor Eve.” Jack agreed.

“Hmm?” Nina was confused.

“I went nowhere.”

“But… where did you see Eve?”

“I didn’t say anything.” Jack was now sweating.

“Huh?”

“I told you, nowhere.”

“Jack, you’re confusing me.” Nina complained, a little worried.

“Nevermind, I’ll be right back.” He ran away.

Jack made it back to the mountains as fast as he could, but when he arrived, Eve was looking pretty annoyed.

“Where did you go this time?”

“Food!” Jack grabbed the basket of food and stuffed his face, hoping the girl would relax and forget the matter completely.

“Jack is everything alright?” Eve now looked concerned.

“Not at all.” Jack confessed.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t tell you.” Jack whispered in secret.

“Why not? I’m here for you, please just trust me, Jack.” Eve was almost in tears, she really wanted to believe that the two shared something special.

“You might get mad.” Jack warned.

“Tell me!”

Jack took a deep breath. “We’re on a date.”

“That scares you? You’re afraid to be taking such a large step, I understand, I really do, Jack! We can do this together, though! Together we can get through it.” She held his hand firmly, but warmly.

Jack was surprised, she seemed to be taking this well. He had just confessed to being on a date with Nina, for the second time that night, had he not?

“Wow, I didn’t expect this!” Jack suddenly perked up. With that, he was gone again.

“Just what in the heck is going on inside that boy’s head?” Eve found herself suddenly alone once again.

Jack was almost completely out of energy, and the jog back really got to him. Nina was still in the park, waiting irritably.

“Jack, where do you keep disappearing to?” she tapped her foot on the ground angrily.

“I’m on a date.” He confessed, hoping to get the same reaction he had gotten from Eve.

“Duh. Are we going to town square, or not?”

“Yes.” Jack just wished this night would be over. He really had absolutely no clue what was going on, and he suspected that neither did they.

“Finally! Okay, I’ll meet you there. Nature calls.” She excused herself.

Jack let out an inaudible gasp, “Nature talks to her.” He whispered.

“Jack, what are you doing here?” Eve appeared almost out of nowhere.

“Standing uncomfortably.” Jack scratched the back of his neck. He was a nervous wreck at this point.

“And who were you talking to, I heard voices in the darkness and I know one of them was you.”

Jack looked around cautiously and then whispered to her, “It was nature!”

“That’s stupid.” Eve was outraged. She knew he was lying to her, and she was not impressed with his behavior tonight.

“Can we go back to where we were before we came to this place…? Nowhereland?” Jack pleaded.

“Why? What is with all these secrets? What are you hiding from me?”

There it started again, two questions at a time. Did she want two separate answers, or should he try to combine them into one?

“I…”

“Eve? What are you doing here? And Jack, you’re supposed to be at town square!” Nina had returned.

Eve turned to look at Jack questioningly, he stared back at her.

“I believe she asked you first.” Jack told her.

“Jack and I are on a date!” Eve almost yelled at Nina.

“What? Jack is on a date with…”

They both yelled, “JACK!”

“I’m right here! Why are you both yelling?” Jack clamped his ears.

Intermission

Nina stayed to yell at Jack for ten minutes after the truth had been revealed. If Jack had been smart, he would have defended himself by saying that he really did try to tell them that he was dating both of them that night… but he was having a hard enough time trying to keep up with her outraged words as it was, and did not speak.

Eve went straight home, wrote a letter expressing her hurt feelings, and dropped it off before he even got home himself. It said things like: Egotistical, self centered and backstabbing jerk, followed by irresponsible, greedy and stupid moron.

After reading the letter, it was pretty clear to Jack what he needed to do. He needed to buy a dictionary.

The dating world was even harder than he had originally thought, and he decided that next time he wouldn’t have two dates going at the same time. Apparently, women get pissed that way.

Still confused over the whole thing, Jack crawled into bed with his journal and thought about what to write in it.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 3 Day: 25

Deer muther and fother, Im a litl bit broke and I needd sum munny. Gerlfrendz arr expensiv and I nao hav 2!

THE END

[sbester]

EPISODE EIGHT: SNOW WHITE

Winter had finally come, and Jack was having a ball. He had nothing to eat, nor any money to buy food with, but that did not seem to phase the lad one bit. Everyday seemed like a new adventure, whether it be tobogganing, skiing, or just playing in the snow! On Tuesday, Jack thought it would be funny to run around town and hide in the snow as he threw snowballs at the townspeople. He awarded himself extra points for every person he seriously injured. This was truly the best season ever!

But with no food or money, Jack was completely unprepared for disaster, and on Thursday, disaster struck the little town. While the people all slept in their nice warm beds, a blizzard occurred outside. Jack awoke the next day and found that it was too snowy to see anything outside, which he was delighted to know. That day, he went out to enjoy the snow once again, until he became cold and had to go inside. The storm continued for 3 days, and on the third day, the snow had gotten so piled up that it was higher than his own house. Jack was snowed in.

“What are we gonna do, Ruff?” he looked down at his clueless companion. The dog seemed to have no ideas of his own either.

There had to be some way for Jack to get outside and play in the snow, and perhaps find some food while he was at it. The first job was to somehow get from his home base to the tool shed so that he could get a shovel, but he was in desperate need of one at this moment. Then the boy remembered that when he had his house rebuilt, the generous townspeople made an escape passage on the roof for the youth to climb out of… but the ladder was also left in the tool shed.

Picking up his dog, Jack set him into place and stepped on the poor animal as he tried to gain leverage. Not liking this, Ruff walked away, and Jack fell to the ground with a loud thump.

“Miserable little…” Jack fused. Getting up again, Jack moved his bed into place and got on top of it. With ease, he grabbed the cord that hung from the ceiling and pulled on it. The escape passage had been opened. Now it was time for Jack to do what he did best: jump on the bed. He jumped, over and over, forgetting the task at hand almost completely until he jumped so high that his head fit itself through the escape pass. It was then that Jack grabbed hold of the roof and pulled himself up.

Victory! Jack was on the roof, and it seemed that the snow had settled itself right at the edges. That is a lot of snow, jack marveled. Now it was time for him to make his way to the tool shed. Only the roof of that building could be seen as well. Without another thought, the boy launched himself forward and off the roof. He then landed in the snow before him, DEEP in the snow.

Stunned and cold, he turned his head and looked upward. Jack was stuck in the 7 foot high pile up of snow. Instead of thinking about how he was going to get out, Jack decided to start digging towards the front door of the shed… or at least where he thought that would be. It seemed that the more he dug, the less progress he was making and the more snow that fell on top of his back. It took a few moments, but Jack finally realized that the situation was hopeless, and he would have to think of how he was going to get anywhere.

Perhaps the only thing for him to do was to wait until the storm stopped, and the sun could come out and melt the snow. This might have worked, if that process did not require a few days to happen. Jack was already feeling very hungry, and his skin was beginning to feel the repercussions of the cold.

“I need… comic book fire powers!”

Intermission

Jack attempted to stand. It took a few tried, but he finally managed it. The snow below his neck all caved in and pinned him completely. It seemed that every time Jack tried something, it only got worse. He looked up, two feet of snow still towered over him all around his head.

Feeling there was nothing else he could do, he made a meal of the snow. It was not very satisfying, and he still wanted some real food. With all his might, he tried to wiggle his arms and legs free. The rest of the snow collapsed on top of him.

With no way of breathing, and the cold snow freezing his face, Jack panicked and waved his limbs around like never before. It was difficult, but Jack slowly progressed his way up to the top of the snow and stuck his head out in the cold wind.

“Freedom!” he yelled. He hadn’t gained any distance, but he was alive. It was then that he decided that jumping into the snow would have bad consequences, and he wouldn’t try it again.

Swimming in a pool of heavy snow, he forced his way closer to the roof of the tool shed. By the time he got there, he was frost bitten and shaking. Swallowing hard, he dove once again down to the depths of the snow, using the wall of the tool shed as a guide. Jack’s bottom landed on the doorknob on the way down, and being as frozen as it was, it broke off.

“Uh oh…”

With almost no room to move once again, Jack tried to use his feet to recover the broken knob below. He was too numb to feel anything, and he considered the knob a lost cause. How was he ever going to open the door now?

Feeling for the place where the knob had been, Jack’s finger found its way inside. The snow began to cave in once again with the movement, but with a push of his strength the door opened and Jack fell inside the tool shed in a heap of snow. He had succeeded!

Still half frozen, Jack pushed on with his mission.

The determined farmer grabbed hold of a shovel and began to dig at the snow blocking his doorway. Ofcourse, there was nowhere to actually put the snow except for in the tool shed, so that is what he did.

In an hour, Jack had gained around 7 feet of distance, and his tool shed was full of snow.

“I should be in town in a few short hours!” Jack said to himself with a proud smile. The boy continued to dig, long and hard. It was not long before he felt himself too tired to go on any longer. The lack of energy could have been blamed on the lack of food he had in his body, but putting the blame on something or someone was not going to help his situation at all.

Weakly, Jack hacked at the snow in front of him. He fell to his knees and began to claw at the end of his tunnel as best he could. It seemed helpless.

Intermission

Four hours had passed by, and Jack had lost all hope. He sat in his pathetic tunnel of snow wondering how he was ever going to survive this ordeal. The poor boy could now see he was getting a runny nose, and his health was being put a great risk.

“Ahh-chooo!” he sneezed.

Most of the tunnel collapsed behind him at the loud sound. Jack now sat in a tunnel that was not even four feet high, and 5 feet long. With nothing else to do, he began to dig once again.

Suddenly, he hit something hard. At first, he couldn’t believe it, but the shovel smacked against it once again and he celebrated with joy. He had reached town at last! He dropped the shovel and clawed at the hard surface, revealing in time a door!

Proudly, Jack took hold of the knob and let himself in.

Inside the house was very strange, there seemed to be no one inside the small building at all. There was an open hatch in the ceiling and a cruddy bed in the middle of the room, perhaps the people who lived here were crazy.

“I’ve entered a new dimension…”

He looked under the bed cautiously to examine the odd placement of such an object. Ruff was underneath.

“Ruff? What are you doing here?” the sleeping dog ignored him coldly.

Jack looked around once again. This was his home.

“The storm must have blown my house all the way into the town while I was sleeping!” Jack whispered in surprise.

He crawled in to bed, promising himself it would only be for a moment or two so that he could get warm. Unfortunately, the poor boy fell fast asleep.

Yeer:1 Munth: 4 Day: 7

THE END

( I know it was short…. It was hard to write though. This is what I always wanted to be able to do on the day of blizzards while playing the games, gimme a damned shovel!)

[sbester]

Episode Nine: Starlight

The starlight festival was one of the most important times in a young person’s life. This was frustrating to Jack, being the only young man of age to marry in the town, and having five eligible young women to choose from.

Ellen and Ann had not made the impression they had hoped on Jack, he was just too shallow to notice them in such a way. Eve was without a doubt one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen, and they usually got along together quite well. Nina was ofcourse always in competition with Eve, and was equally as stunning. The girl was known for her temper, however, and Jack had gotten the worst of it when they had their “date”. Maria was a very sweet girl, and had a certain presence about her that captured Jack’s attention whenever they met. Aside from the religious devotion, she very well could be the right girl for him. It was just too bad that he wasn’t able to spend enough time with her to get to know her the way he wanted.

Tonight, Jack would have to ask one of these girls on a date with him, and pronounce themselves as a couple to the town. The farmer had no idea who he was going to ask.

Feeling hopeless, he threw on his coat and went outside into the cold winter atmosphere. He walked over to the ‘Goddess Pond’ and sat down to think, but something was wrong… he felt a presence.

“Jack…” a voice scared him. He looked around but could see nothing.

“Who’s there? Ruff? Was that you, boy?”

“No Jack, it is I.” a slim form appeared before him over the pond. It was a gorgeous spirit from another realm, come to give him a message. The boy had never seen anything or anyone so beautiful in his entire life.

“Wh…who are you?” Jack began to shake.

“I am the Harvest Goddess, my dear. And I have come to tell you great things.”

“Am I dead?” Jack pinched himself.

“No, Jack. That would not be a good thing, dear. You have a certain destiny in this town. A legacy that you must uphold. You are to be the protector of this town, my boy. Without your presence, the town will be in danger, and all your loved ones will perish.”

“That’s okay, I’m leaving in a little over a year anyway. I suck at farming.” Jack said brightly.

“…Yes, yes you do. That is why I have come to offer you a new path. Tonight you must choose the girl of your dreams, Jack, but you have no clue who that girl is. I propose that you marry me, and together we shall live in the outer realm, forever protecting the town from harm.”

Jack considered this for a moment before answering. “I can’t marry a ghost!”

“I am no ghost, you can be sure. I am a spirit goddess. I can make your wildest dreams come true, Jack. You will know pleasures you never thought existed!”

Jack knew exactly what she meant by this. Ice cream every night before bed! No farming duties as long as he shall live! A TV with more than 4 stations!

“Jack… you can live forever! If you were to choose another girl, you would have to be a farmer for the rest of your miserable life, and somehow manage to keep the farm in your family so that they can continue on in your place as the protector. The only way to ensure the town’s safety is to be with me!”

Intermission

“Hmm,” he was about to say yes, when he realized that this spirit goddess was completely nude. “What are THOSE?” Jack pointed at her accusingly.

“Um… uh, these?” the Harvest goddess was taken aback.

“Yes, they look powerful. Is that where your power comes from?” Jack had a big smile on his face.

“That… that’s not funny. I really hope you’re joking.” The goddess held her hands over her breasts to cover them. This… protector, was obviously an idiot; but was he really that innocent? Was he truly going to be able to resist her sexual appeal?

“Sooooorrrryyy for not knowing about your power tools!” Jack was clearly offended. Why should he be expected to know where the source of her powers came from?

“Uhm… yes, in a way they are part of my powers… I suppose.”

“Cool! So can I have some too when I become a god!” Jack jumped for joy in anticipation.

“You can’t be a god! You are mortal! No mortal can ever be a god, they can just gain the gift of eternal life.” The goddess explained.

“What are they called?”

“What are what called?”

“Your power mounds!” Jack yelled.

“Can we please get off the subject?”

“I WANT POWER MOUNDS!” Jack screamed adamantly.

“THEY’RE BREASTS, YOU MORON!” she screamed back, angered by the immaturity of her future husband.

“I’m not gonna marry you until you give them to me!” Jack folded his arms, crossed his legs, turned around and sat down with a very angered expression on his face.

“You will do as I say!”

“Meanie!” Jack refused to move.

“(Sigh). Alright, how about this: You can have anything OTHER than a pair of breasts. Sound good?” the goddess attempted to calm herself.

Jack turned around slowly. “Really?”

“Anything.” She promised.

“Well, I kinda like the look of that.”

“What?”

“Where your thingy is supposed to be.” He pointed.

“Oh, for crying out loud, kid!” the goddess was mad again.

“You promised!” Jack accused her.

“Alright, they’re yours. They just won’ be on your body… technically.” She laughed to herself. Poor Jack was confused as ever, and here she was making jokes that he didn’t understand. How rude!

“Can I touch!” he jumped to his feet excitedly.

“Not until we are married.” She insisted.

Jack considered this deal. “Okay! What do I have to do?”

“A wedding for a goddess is much different than a mortal wedding. You must go out and find four important offerings.”

“You mean like wedding gifts?”

“Exactly!” she was finally getting through to the boy.

“Aren’t the guests supposed to bring those?” Jack inquired.

“Not this time. You must go and find something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.”

“Then what?”

“Then you will come back here and throw them into the pond where they shall be sacrificed to the netherworld forever!” the goddess looked very serious.

“I can do that!” Jack exclaimed. “I’ll be back in an hour!”

Happy with his new arrangement, Jack set off to find the four items as a sacrifice for his future wife. It took a while, but Jack was back in just over an hour with the items.

Intermission

“Ah, you have returned, my love!” the goddess was happy to see him.

“Yep. I got all of the things you wanted too!” Jack said with pride.

“Wonderful. Okay, something old?”

Jack walked over to the first item and removed the tape from its mouth.

“Jack, what on earth is the meaning of this? Oh my, it is the great Harvest goddess!” the local priest cried in wonder.

“SomeTHING, not someone!” the goddess was infuriated.

“Same thing.” Jack pushed the priest into the pond, where he would be banished forever to the netherworld.

“Jack! What have you done? This man worships me!” she cried.

“That’s okay, you have me now!” he said triumphantly.

“Rrrgh! Fine. Something new, it better notbe a small child or I swear!”

“It’s not. Couldn’t find one in time. Look! I cut my finger!” Jack held his hand up to her for inspection.

“…So?”

“It’s a new cut! Still bleeding!” he waved it around.

“Honey… how do you expect to get that into the netherworld without losing your entire finger?”

“On second thought, I’ll look for an infant in a few minutes.”

“Ugh! This is hopeless!”

“And here we have something blue!” Jack held out a pretty violet.

“Jack, you didn’t remember the last thing, did you?”

“Wasn’t there only three?”

“No. You forgot something borrowed.” She held her head with her hand, annoyed beyond any feeling she had ever had in her existence. And that was a very long time.

“Oh yeah!” Jack remembered. He pulled out a small farming guide from his pocket.

“Hmm… looks like you could have used this during the year. Who did you borrow It from?” the goddess was relieved that he got something right.

“Myself, I won’t be missing it, I promise.” He smiled.

“JACK! You are without a doubt the dumbest creature in the history of all existence! I’ve known squirrels with twice the IQ you have!” the goddess yelled uncontrollably.

“Aw, our first fight. I will treasure this forever. If we fight as much as my parents, there will be a whole lot more!” Jack tried to lighten the situation.

“I can’t do this! Father was right, earthlings are not worthy. I may spend the rest of eternity alone, but I know it will be much better than listening to you!” she pointed.

“You can’t mean that! You’re angry, just calm down and we can get through this.” Jack tried to console her.

“Have fun trying to protect your precious village when you die a mortal’s death! Good-BYE!” the goddess disappeared.

Jack was stunned.

“I still want my power mounds!” he yelled into the pond. Poor Jack felt totally alone and unwanted, and now he was back to where he began.

Who will I spend the starlight festival with now? He thought. Oh well, at least I got rid of the priest… if only I could get rid of the church too.

“Hi, Jack.” He turned around and saw Maria standing behind him.

“Hello.”

“Do you mind if I sit down?” she asked.

“’Kay.”

Maria took a seat beside Jack at the rim of the pond. They stayed in silence for a few minutes, neither one knowing what to say.

“Jack, would you mind if I asked you a question?” she finally broke the uncomfortable silence.

“Go ahead.”

“Why is it that you haven’t asked anyone to go to the festival yet?”

Jack did not know what to say to this. “I…don’t know.”

“Well, you are the only boy of age to marry, and it is expected of you. I understand that it may be a lot of pressure, but the townspeople are counting on you. Are you planning on moving back to the city? Is that it? You want a city girl?” Maria was confused.

“That isn’t it. I don’t know who to choose.” Jack sighed.

“Well, I know we haven’t had much time to really talk… but if you are having so much trouble deciding, perhaps that means that you haven’t been spending time with the right girl yet?”

Jack was confused by this. “Uh… yes.”

“So perhaps… you could listen to your heart and make a decision?” Maria questioned him. He looked into her beautiful blue eyes, they sparkled like nothing he had ever seen before.

“… My heart can talk?” he whispered to her in exasperation.

“Haha… you know what I mean.” She laughed.

Clearly, he did not. But he did know that he must make a decision nonetheless.

“Okay.” He answered.

“So you will spend tonight with me?” Maria said hopefully.

Jack stared at the beautiful girl before him and held her hand gently. “Nope, I have to go. Bye.” He ran off.

Maria was left alone, stunned and depressed.

Intermission

Jack arrived at his destination and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. This was one of the scariest and most embarrassing moments of his life, and he couldn’t have felt any more awkward about it. But alas, it had to be done.

KNOCK KNOCK!

A pink haired woman answered the door and asked what his business was.

“Is Nina here?” Jack asked softly.

A moment later, Nina showed up in the doorway, looking as pretty as ever.

“Oh, Jack, I knew you’d come! I just knew it! You’ve come to ask me to the starlight festival with you!” Nina hugged him tightly.

“Um, actually, you’re good with directions… and I forget where Eve lives. Can you show me?”

Yeer:1 Munth: 4 Day: 24

Deer muther and fother 2day I met a bootifl womin from heven and all most got mareed 2 her. Then I went to the festvl with eve after giting slaped bi neena reelee hard. I donnt no y she wuz mad but o wel. I also sacrfised a preest, just lik I always told yoo I wood.

THE END

[sbester]

EPISODE TEN: YEAR END

Jack’s first year with his new community had come to a close. It left him feeling very accomplished, although he was still dead broke, and had not upgraded the farm at all yet. He still had a full year and a half left in the small town until his father came back to inspect the property and decide whether Jack was fit to stay.

Gathering at the summit, the townspeople celebrated New Year’s Day together with laughing and chatting. Eve stayed very close to Jack the entire time, for they were officially now a couple. It was not easy for the other girls to see, but in time they would learn to accept it.

The mayor stood up and announced that he had prepared a speech.

“I am so proud of you all for another wonderful year. It is my pleasure to announce that in all of my years of being mayor, this is by far the most rewarding. My daughter, Maria is practicing to become a nun, so I would like us all to join together and wish her a wonderful year away. It is unfortunate that I must tell you that we have still not been able to find the priest, we must all assume that he has gone to a better place.”

Jack turned to Eve, “I don’t think it’s all THAT great of a place.”

“This year has had its ups and downs,” the mayor continued. “We lost a few great people. The first being Eve’s wonderful grandfather, who was pronounced insane and then somehow escaped from the mental institution, never to be heard from again. We lost the carpenter to a similar case. The priest, as I mentioned. But we also gained a special addition to the village from the death of a beloved old farmer. Farmer John was a very special man and will always be remembered in our hearts, but now we have his wonderful grandson, Jack! Jack, stand up and take a bow!” the crowd cheered.

Jack bowed gallantly. He felt very uncomfortable at the moment, knowing that it was his fault that three of those four named men were gone. Eve held his hand warmly, proud of him for his year’s work.

“A productive fellow, indeed.” The mayor smiled. “How much money have you raised this year, Jack?”

“Raised where?” Jack’s response was met with laughter. He looked around, unable to understand why they were laughing at him.

“Always the joker.” The mayor said proudly. “I’m sure that soon he will have enough money and resources to upgrade the farm not once, but twice! I bet the lad is saving up for the biggest and the best right now, isn’t that right, Jack?”

“What is this? An interrogation?” Jack cried outraged. They all laughed again. Eve had taught him that word when she said he asks too many questions.

“Hahaha,” the mayor made sure his laugh was louder than the rest. “As a token of our appreciation, we all chipped in to buy you a bit of livestock.” The mayor smiled and turned away to grab a chicken from his wife’s arms.

Jack ran to retrieve his gift, happy as could be. He finally had a chicken, and all he had to do was defend himself publicly. The chicken could see it in Jack’s eyes, this boy was insane, and wanted the poor animal dead. It moved about wildly trying to get away, but Jack gripped the bird hard and proudly made his way back to where Eve was standing.

“Ah, yes.” The mayor was glad to see how happy the gift made the boy. “Perhaps now you can get into the livestock business, I’m sure you have what it takes.” Jack glared at him for this comment.

Intermission

The festival had been a success, and Jack took the chick home with him, excited at the thought of lopping its head off. Eve kissed him on the cheek and was on her way to her own home.

Jack set the animal on the ground and went to get his axe from the tool shed. When he came back outside, the chicken could be seen running away halfway down the fields.

“Stupid chicken!” Jack yelled and quickly began to chase after it. Ruff followed close behind, barking uncontrollably. The axe was heavy and it made it hard to run. Eventually, Jack was forced to drop it and run after the chicken free handed. The chicken was extremely fast, and it knew that if it surrendered that it would not live to regret it.

Jack was catching up to it, running easily through the open fields.

“After it, Ruff!” Jack pointed at the chicken up ahead of them. The dog’s attention had finally caught the bird, and he was now chasing quickly after it at blinding speeds. In seconds, the defenseless chicken had been caught.

It bawked loudly as Jack got hold of it and took it back to where he’d dropped his axe.

“It’s nothing against you, really. You’re just smaller than me and taste really go so I have to kill you.” Jack tried to explain. Picking up the axe, Jack walked back to the tool shed where he shut the door behind him. He set the chicken down on the work table and readied his axe.

This was the end for the chicken, there was no getting away now. It simply looked into the eyes of its destroyer and accepted its fate. Jack began the swing…

Jack couldn’t finish.

“Why can’t I do this?” Jack wondered as he looked back into the sad chicken’s eyes. “I smashed an elf-like thingy who wanted to be my friend easily… why can’t I kill this stupid pathetic animal?” Jack attempted to put the axe down, but couldn’t do that either.

Looking back, he realized that the axe had gotten stuck in the wall behind him when he went to swing.

“Oh! That’s why!” Jack laughed as he began to tug at the axe. The chicken went ballistic once more and ran about the enclosed room crazily. It wasn’t morals that was stopping Jack from killing, it was just a wall.

Finally the axe cam free and Jack chased the animal around the shed, swinging like a mad man. Ruff watched in confusion, wondering what was happening.

The chicken ran under the work table and caught its breath. Jack began to hack at the table’s legs in an attempt to crush it.

When the first leg broke off, the chicken panicked and ran out again. Jack went on the rampage once more, while Ruff clawed at the door to get away from the madness.

“Die, chicken!” Jack was finally able to hack the head off of the poor animal. But then, something happened that Jack never expected. The headless chicken was still running about crazily!

It took a few seconds to register, but then Jack realized what was happening. This chicken was indestructible!

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!” Jack screamed in terror as he ran for the door and continued the scramble to his home.

Jack and Ruff stayed hidden in his house, afraid that the headless chicken would knock on the door any moment and claim its revenge.

KNOCK KNOCK!

Jack jumped. Slowly he walked toward the door and turned the knob. When the door opened, the friendly face of Ann could be seen.

“Hello?” Jack only kept the door open a crack.

“Hi, Jack. I was just coming over to instruct you on how to get the chicken to lay eggs. Lina was my father’s favorite chicken and he felt that she would be more comfortable on a farm” Ann explained.

Aha! Jack thought to himself. His favorite chicken, he must have placed a curse on it in case anything bad should happen to it.

“Um, I’m busy.” Jack said.

“Oh, it won’t take very long, I promise.” She pressed.

“I think it’s a little mad at me right now.” Jack replied.

“Why? What did you do?”

“Um… nothing.” Jack lied.

“Well then did Lina do something to you?”

“… It just kinda, lost its head for a moment, that’s all.” Jack explained.

“Yeah, Lina can tend to go crazy at times. I can show you how to deal with her and calm her down too.” Ann smiled happily.

“You can make it not want to kill me?” Jack opened the door a little more.

“Yep.”

Jack opened the door and slowly came back outside. He agreed to let her calm the chicken down. Together they walked over to the tool shed and opened the door. The chicken was lying in two pieces on the floor, side by side.

“Oh no!” Ann cried.

Jack couldn’t understand what had happened. A few moments ago the headless chicken was still running around aimlessly.

Ann then noticed the broken work table.

“Jack, do you keep that axe on your work table usually?” Ann asked suspiciously.

“Yes…” Jack expected her to lecture him and go home and tell her father what a horrible person he was.

“It looks like the leg gave out and the axe fell on poor Lina. Ooh, the poor thing. How could this have happened?”

Jack looked at her, astounded. “Yes!”

“Aw, I’ll go tell father what happened. Maybe I can get you a new one, but in the meantime… fix that table!”

“I will do that!” Jack responded. Ann left, and Jack was left staring at the corpse of the broken chicken.

Ruff entered to join his master in his contemplation. Would this chicken suddenly come alive again now that the girl was gone. Cautiously, Jack walked out of the tool shed and ran in fright back to his house, leaving his dog confused once again.

Intermission

Ann returned a few minutes later with another chicken, Tanya. They sat down and Ann showed Jack how too keep the animal calm, and instructed him on the do’s and don’ts.

Ann left and Jack was left alone with his new pet. “Don’t worry, Tanya, I won’t chop your head off like I did to Lina.” He stroked her feathers.

Walking back into the tool shed with Tanya in his arms, he decided that it was time he learned to fix a work table. Jack used a hammer and nailed the leg back onto it as best as he could. The nails were sticking out everywhere, but there seemed to be enough that it would be sturdy on its own.

Admiring his work, Jack patted himself on the back. He looked down at the chicken to his side and said, “Okay, lets get you into your pen.”

As Jack turned to walk away, he heard a slam behind him. He turned back only to see that the leg had been too loose, and the table had fallen once again… on top of Tanya.

“Good thing Ruff isn’t in here.”

Yeer: 2 Munth: 1 Day: 1

I had chikkin fer dinr. It wuz good. I maid it throo mi ferst yeer in taoon and I no that yoo will both be happee win yoo com 2 see mee in… a long tiim.

P.S. Eev luvs mee!

THE END

[sbester]

EPISODE ELEVEN: PROPOSAL

It was a hot summer day, and Jack was visiting the mayor and his wife at their lovely mansion. Many issues were discussed wholly as Jack either agreed with head nods or disagreed with death threats, all the while, not understanding a word of what was being said. It was during these ramblings that the subject of marriage came up, catching the poor young farmer off his guard.

“And speaking of such happy things, I must admit that there is something that has been on my mind for quite some time.” The mayor smiled. “It seems that you and the young waitress have become quite the item, Jack. When should we expect the two of you to be married?”

Jack stared, unable to think of what to say. “Um…”

“It is now that time in the young villagers’ lives that they must start thinking about such things. Our daughter has gone off to become a nun, and Nina is moving soon go to meet a nice bachelor in the next town over. I’m sure that Eve is awaiting your proposal, Jack.”

“But I’m only (bleep) years old!” Jack whined.

“That is just the age we were when we tied the knot.” The mayor’s wife smiled at her husband.

“…What knot?” Jack was getting angry. Both hosts laughed at this.

“It is customary that in our village, the male must buy a blue feather from the peddler and give it to the one he wishes to marry.” The mayor explained.

Jack hissed like a cat at the sound of his name. The peddler was Jack’s most hated enemy, and he would stop at nothing to ruin him. But now it seemed that Jack was in need of something in the peddler’s possession.

“It’s quite the costly item, I must warn you. Do you have 5000 gold tucked away somewhere? Oh, what am I saying? Ofcourse you do! Shipping all the things you have been over the last year and a half, you must be rich!” the mayor squabbled.

Jack was 10 gold rich, not 5000 gold rich. He was going to have to find a way to get the money he needed fast or else face the consequences.

“So, anyways…” the mayor was interrupted when Jack ran out of the house.

“He certainly doesn’t waste his time, does he?”

Intermission

Jack was on his way back to his farm when a familiar cloud of smoke suddenly circled its way around him.

“Hahahahaha! Hello, Jack! Nice to see you again!” a voice laughed as a shadowy figure appeared from the myst.

“Riddler!” Jack accused.

“PEDDLER!” the peddler screamed in fury.

“What do you want?” Jack got down to business.

“I know you are in need of something valuable, and I just happen to have one for sale. It is just too bad that you’ll never be able to afford it! Hahahahaha!”

Jack was about to agree, but then he decided it was a joke at his own expense. Feeling there was nothing more he could do, he continued his walk home. The peddler laughed and laughed as the cloud of smoke swept him away into the pit of Jack’s mind, taunting him.

When Jack got home, Eve was waiting for him.

“Hi, Jack! I was just feeling a little lonely now that Nina is gone, wanted to know what you’re up to today?”

“I’m going to make 5000 gold.” Jack stated firmly.

Eve stared hard at him. She had been dating the buffoon for nearly two seasons, and she still had no idea what went on inside his mind. “Um, how are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know.” Jack sat down on the spot to think.

“Well what do you need the money for anyways?”

“I can’t tell you or you might tie the feather without me.” Jack crossed his arms.

Eve cocked an eyebrow at this. “Most of your jokes go right over my head. I’ll be at home if you need me.” she turned to walk away. Jack stood up to watch as she left, but he could see nothing overtop her head.

There was no way he could manage to earn 5000 gold, and he knew it. It was because the situation involved the peddler that Jack realized there was only one solution to this problem. He had to defeat the peddler once and for all, and there was only one person her knew could do it.

Opening his drawer, Jack pulled out his small mask and long red cape. It was time for Farm Boy to make another appearance. Quickly, he put the costume on and ran out the door as fast as he could.

“Farm Boy to the rescue!” he yelled, noticing only too late that Eve had come back.

“Um, what are you doing?”

Jack stared at her, embarrassed as could be. “I’m… going to go defeat the peddler.” He admitted.

She studied him for a moment. “Jack? Is that you under that small mask?” she hadn’t figured him out yet.

“No. I’m behind it.” He corrected her.

“Why are you going to fight the peddler?” she was not going to condone his violence.

“Because… I have to buy something… but I don’t have enough money to buy it.” He watered down the truth.

“You’re going to rob him!” Eve yelled in exasperation.

“No! I’m going to… destroy him… then take what isn’t his anymore.” Jack tried to calm her down.

Eve didn’t know what to say to this. Perhaps he was lying, perhaps he was drunk?

“Jack, have you been drinking?”

“And eating.”

“Ugh! Jack, go back to the house and get some sleep. I’m going home. I don’t know if we can continue to see each other if this is how you’re going to act. I need some time to think it over.” She left, more disappointed in him than she’d ever been.

“Phew, that was a close one.” Jack sighed in relief.

On he walked towards town to find his arch enemy, but he could find him anywhere. It then occurred to him that he had no weapon, and that could prove very dangerous. Walking down the street, he decided to stop in on Ann, the inventer.

“Hi, ugly girl.” Jack greeted the friendly face when the door opened.

“Hmm?” came the confused reply.

“I need a weapon, one that can kill all evil things!” Jack explained to her.

“Um… I don’t condone weapons, but I don’t condone evil anymore. Perhaps you were looking for my daughter, Ann?” Ann’s father asked.

Jack stared hard at him, “Sorry, you look alike.”

“Uh… right, I guess.” Ann’s father said awkwardly and then summoned his daughter.

“Hi, Jack. What’s up?” Ann asked.

Not me, you’re hideous! He thought to himself. “Well, the sky is up out here and the ceiling is…”

“Oh, Jack you’re so funny.” Ann laughed.

“I’m Farm Boy!” he corrected loudly. “I hafta fight the peddler. He made me tell the truth to Eve about something and now I think she is mad at me and I’m afraid he might have a weapon to kill me back with and then take his thingy he is selling and…”

“Wait, wait! Slow down!” Ann tried to calm him down. “You need me to make you a weapon so that you can fight the peddler?”

“Yes.”

“And you said Eve is mad at you?” she smiled widely.

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’ll help you if you really want me to. But why on earth do you want my help?”

“Because I also wanted a sandwich.” Farm Boy admitted.

Ann was furious at this comment and slammed the door in his face.

“You forgot to let me in!” Farm Boy called. “Okay, I’ll just wait out here while you make it… sandwich first, please!”

Farm Boy waited and waited, but Ann did not come back outside. It was soon going to be dark and he had not yet managed to find the evil peddler, but off in the distance he saw a cloud of smoke and began to run towards it.

“I have found you!” Farm Boy yelled.

“No, Farm Boy! ‘Tis I, that have found you!” the peddler appeared.

“No, I found you!”

“No, I found you!”

“I found you infinity!” Farm Boy yelled.

“I found you infinity plus 1!” peddler raged.

“You can’t do that!”

“Yes, I can! No rulesies!”

Farm Boy punched the peddler in the face hard.

The peddler fell down and started crying. “You didn’t have to do that!”

“I’m sorry.” Farm Boy apologized. “I really need that blue thingy, otherwise Eve will still be mad at me.”

“You can’t ask her to marry you everytime you get in an argument!” the peddler whined.

Farm Boy thought about this carefully. He sat down with the peddler to talk. “Okay, I’ll make a deal with you.”

“What?” the peddler asked.

“I’ll give you Ruff again for the doohickey.” Farm Boy took off his mask.

“You really love that girl, don’t you?”

Jack considered his words carefully, “Not really, she’s just pretty.”

The peddler didn’t know what to say. “I… can’t do that.”

“Okay, how about this: if you don’t give it to me, I’ll punch you again!” Jack held out his fist.

“Fine! Fine! Meanie!” the peddler reached into his sack and took out a blue feather.

Jack had defeated the peddler once again, and now he could go propose to the girl that he thought was really, really pretty!

Intermission

It took him two hours, but Jack finally remembered where Eve lived. She answered the door in her nightgown with an angered expression on her face.

“What do you want, Jack? I told you I didn’t want to see you right now.”

Jack held out the blue feather to her, not being able to say the words he wanted to.

“J…Jack, this is… are you serious?”

Jack was pretty sure hadn’t said anything just now, but he nodded anyhow.

“Oh, Jack! You moron! You don’t propose during an argument! And you probably beat up that poor retarded peddler to get it, didn’t you!” Rrrgh!” Eve slammed the door in his face.

“Are you making me a sandwich?” Jack said into the door.

The door opened once more and Eve grabbed the blue feather from his hand before slamming the door once more.

“Was that a yes to the sandwich or yes to marrying me!” he yelled.

Feeling that he shouldn’t push his luck any more, he walked home.

“How did it go?” the peddler suddenly appeared out of the darkness, sincere in his words.

“I think I need another one.”

Yeer: 2 Munth: 3 Day: 8

I beeted the pedlr aggen! And I assd eev 2 marree mee. I think she sed no. I im going 2 go mak a sanwitch.

THE END

[sbester]

Episode Twelve: Farm Boy

Jack had settled in for a quiet evening by himself one night when Eve had gone to visit some friends in the next town over. The half retarded laborer had spent most of the day sulking over a lack of things to keep preoccupied with, and now he was at his brink of boredom. A sudden knock at the door startled him, but he was excited at the thought that perhaps Eve had come back early… which would have been a whole week early.

Opening the door, he was surprised and actually a little pissed off to see that the visitor was none other than his greatest enemy in the village, the peddler. Realizing that he had nothing to say to him, he slammed the door in his face.

The peddler knocked once more. Feeling aggravated, Jack opened the door once more and asked what the peddler wanted.

“I mean no harm this time, really! I swear!” the peddler pleaded.

Jack studied his face hard, knowing well that this man liked to lie.

“I need your help.” The peddler said quickly. “I really do! The hawker has come back to town and I am in desperate need of something in his possession!”

“Why are you asking me?” Jack whined.

“Because, you are any peddler’s nightmare, and if anyone can stand a chance of outwitting the hawker, it is you or I. And if we are to join forces then there will be no telling what we can do!” the peddler laughed evilly.

Jack considered his proposition. It seemed as though the peddler was concocting some sort of evil scheme against a poor innocent man by the way he said “join forces”, but Jack liked the idea of being all powerful. He was bored out of his mind anyways.

“Okay!”

“Yes! Haha! The magical bean shall be mine at last!” the peddler danced gaily. “Okay, the hawker has the magic bean in his possession and it is our mission to get it from him by any means possible.”

“Why?”

Because it is a very important item and I have been searching for it for a very long time. And the hawker is my greatest enemy.”

Jack was offended that he had not proven to be the peddler’s match, “Why?”

“Erm, because it is magic.”

“Why?”

The peddler was getting angry. “Oh, fine! If you must know, the bean has the power to grow into a beanstalk, and I want to climb it!”

“Why?” Jack was still confused.

“Because it will grow all the way up to the clouds and I want to know what it leads to.”

“Why?”

“Because I may find treasure, you imbecile!”

Jack slammed the door once again. Why on earth should he be insulted for asking a simple question…or two?

Knock Knock!

“Jack! I am willing to offer you a great sum of money… enough to provide for your fiancée and perhaps even save the farm! That IS what you are supposed to be doing while you’re in town is it not?”

Jack slowly opened the door.

“I can’t hear you when the door is closed.” He explained.

Intermission

Jack was very interested in the peddler’s proposition now that money had been added to the deal, 10,000 gold to be exact. Jack was not smart enough to know it, but that would be more than he needed to upgrade the farm to its fullest potential and provide for an entire family for the next two years at least.

The two had agreed to meet later in the evening when all the townsfolk had gone to sleep in their warm homes to discuss what had to be done. By the time Jack had made his way to town square in his silly superhero costume, it was dark and cold outside.

“Jack.” A voice came from behind him.

“I only answer to Farm Boy!” he refused to turn around.

“…Farm Boy.”

“Present!” Farm Boy turned around to greet the peddler, but it wasn’t the peddler at all. It was the hawker.

“Hello, Farm Boy. I have heard many tales of how you foiled that terrible peddler in town, and I have been waiting a long time to meet you. But alas, it seems you have now joined his ranks as his sidekick.” The hawker was a strange and ugly man.

“I’m not his sidekick! He’s mine!” Farm Boy announced angrily.

“Ah, but that is just not true. Are you not helping him on a cause that you care nothing for yourself?”

“English, please.” Farm Boy was serious.

“You don’t care about the beanstalk.” The hawker explained.

This was true, and Jack would have agreed had it not been for the money involved.

“You see,” the hawker explained. “I cannot allow you to take the magic bean from me if you are using it to help that fiend, the peddler.”

“I’m not.” Farm Boy lied.

“Hahaha, I wish that were true. Unfortunately, I still cannot make a deal with you.” The hawker began to walk away.

“What if I want it for myself? What would that cost?”

The hawker stopped in his tracks and thought it over.

“Hmm. Well, it would not cost you any money at all. I would trade it for a cow.”

Jack had never had a cow in his entire time being in town, and there was most likely no way he could ever get one now either.

“I can get that.” He lied once more.

“Then you must promise that you will not give the bean to the peddler, ever.” The hawker smiled to himself.

“Okay.”

“Alright then, Farm Boy. You have until the end of the night, and then I must go on to the next town.” And with that, the hawker disappeared.

Then, out of the darkness walked the peddler.

“Dude! What the hell?” the peddler was mad.

“What?”

“I totally just saw you make a deal with the hawker to never give me the bean!” the peddler accused.

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did! I saw you! He even looked me in the eyes and laughed as you made the deal!”

“Why?”

The peddler was about to explode with rage, but then he suddenly calmed himself. “Ah, I understand. You were telling a lie!”

“Yes!” Jack agreed.

“I like the way you think.”

“I like the way YOU think.” Jack was not lying now.

“Okay, so we need a cow, correct?” the peddler went on with the plan.

“Why?”

“Isn’t that what the hawker said he wanted?”

“Yes.” Jack remembered.

“Okay, so we need to give him a cow.”

“Why?”

“…Because he wants one, I suppose.”

“Why?”

“Jack!” the peddler was getting extremely frustrated.

Jack turned away.

“Jack, wait. I’m sorry I screamed at you, please don’t give me the silent treatment.” The peddler apologized.

Jack stayed facing away from his partner, but wondered just what the silent treatment would be like.

“Jack, please do not be mad at me. I am truly sorry for yelling.”

“It’s not that.” He admitted.

“Then what is it that I have done to upset you?” the peddler asked.

“Nothing.”

The peddler did not know what to say to this. This was like arguing with your wife. He considered yelling to get an answer, but that would just not do. “Huh?”

“I didn’t say anything.” Jack insisted.

“You said ‘nothing’”

“Nothing isn’t anything, stupid!” Jack corrected him arrogantly.

“I meant… Rrrrgh! Jack, turn around.”

Still, the boy refused to move an inch.

“What must I do to get you to face me!”

“I don’t answer to Jack, only Farm Boy.”

“Oh, for crying out loud! Farm Boy! Turn around!” the peddler yelled and Jack complied. “I own a cow that I have been dying to sell, the magical bean is as good as mine!”

“Ours.” Jack corrected.

“Um, no. You get the 10,000 gold and I get the bean.”

“No fair! I wanted both.” Farm Boy pouted.

“Whatever. Lets go get that cow!”

So the two raced off to get “Bessy” the cow, and trade her for the magical bean.

“Now, Jack, I cannot be anywhere near you when you make the transaction…”

“Tran-what?”

“Trade.” The peddler blinked hard. “I am going to go inform him that I am leaving the town tonight, and he shall think that our deal is off. I shall reside outside of town until morning and then I will stop by the farm to pick up the magic bean.” And with that, he handed Bessy’s rope leash off to Farm Boy and departed.

Farm Boy walked the streets for many minutes until the hawker finally appeared.

“Aha! It appears that your friend, the peddler, has decided to leave town. It seems you are truly after the bean yourself.” The hawker smiled and handed the magical bean to Farm Boy. “And what is this fine animal’s name?”

“Cow.” Farm Boy guessed.

“Hmm, I shall call her ‘Bessy’”

“Oh yeah, that too.” Farm Boy said and was off.

“What a strange young lad, poor soul. He won’t last the night.”

Intermission

Jack arrived at home with the magical bean and put it on his dresser. He was about to go to bed when his curiosity got the best of him, as we all knew it would.

He planted the beanstalk behind the toolshed, and went to bed.

Yeer: 2 Munth: 4 Day: 12

I finely dissided too plant sumthing! O and mee and the pedlr arr best frenz naoo.

In the morning, Jack ran outside to see that the magical bean he had planted the night before had grown into an amazingly gigantic beanstalk, just as the peddler had predicted. The peddler had not made his way to the farm yet, so Jack took it upon himself to climb it before his arrival, just to make sure he was getting the better end of the deal. And as he was about to climb it, he saw that some regular beans had grown around the beanstalk as well, so he could now eat those for supper! He picked a few and put them into his pocket, in case it was a long journey back.

It took a while, but Jack finally reached the top of the plant and was now walking on clouds. Ahead of him was a gigantic castle, which he stupidly decided to enter without caution.

The castle was not of a regular human’s size, and Jack had to crawl through a crack in the wall to enter the structure. He explored as best he could, but could not find anything of value… except for a beautiful golden harp on top of a tall table.

Jack tried to use his magic Farm Boy flying powers, but they didn’t work without his mask and cape.

“Hello?” Jack yelled up, not quite expecting an answer.

“Go back!” came a woman’s whisper from atop the table.

“What?” Jack looked harder at the harp, and realized that there was a golden woman attached to it.

“I said go back!” she whispered a little louder.

“Why!” Jack yelled back.

“He’ll hear you!” she whispered again.

“I can’t hear you!” Jack yelled louder.

Just then, loud footsteps could be heard coming from the next room and a giant emerged from the door between them.

“FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM! I SMELL THE ODOR OF A MIDGET’S BUM!” the giant looked angry.

“That’s ‘cause I farted!” Jack hollered up.

“YOU!” the giant pointed at Jack.

“Yep.” Jack confirmed.

“YOU WILL BE MY DINNER!” the giant began to chase after Jack. With each thundering footstep, the ground shook beneath them.

Jack ran as fast as he could away from the giant, but he soon realized that the giant was too fast for him. Luckily, the crack in the door was a short cut outside onto the clouds and the giant would have to use the front door.

As Jack crawled through his escape hole, he thought hard about what could be done to stop the giant from coming down the beanstalk and destroying his home. The he remembered that he had left his axe outside right beside the beanstalk, and that he would have to cut it down.

Jack slid down the beanstalk as quickly as he could while the giant fumbled to climb down it. When Jack reached the bottom, he began to hack away at the plant as fast as he could cut.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” the giant began to feel the vibrations.

“I can’t hear you when you’re way up there!” Jack yelled up as he continued to hack away.

“WHAT!”

With that, the beanstalk fell, and the giant along with it.

THUMP!

The giant lay down dead on top of the beanstalk, and Jack thanked his faithful axe with a kiss.

Ruff raced outside to see what all the commotion was, and upon seeing the dead giant, he began to bark uncontrollably.

Just then, the peddler had finally appeared and he stared at the giant in amazement.

“Jack?” he could barely speak. “Wha… what happened?”

Jack pulled out a regular bean from his pocket.

“I think it’s a dud.”

THE END

[sbester]

EPISODE THIRTEEN: WEDDING DAY

The special day had finally arrived, and Jack could not have been more excited. All the preparations had been made, and all the guests were happily awaiting the grand event. Jack sat at home by himself as Eve snuggled into her wedding gown, all the townswomen with her for support.

A knock came at Jack’s door as he eagerly opened it. It was the mayor.

“Jack! My dear boy! The day has finally arrived!”

“I know!” Jack could barely contain his excitement.

“Ah, I can’t wait! But we must hurry, Jack. Everyone is already on their way to the church!”

“…Church?” Jack was surprised to hear this terrible word on such an extraordinary day. What were the people gathering at the church for? Did this event not take place on the summit?

“Hahaha, of course! Where did you think you would get married?” the mayor laughed.

Jack was shocked, “Married!”

“Yes, married! What is the matter, Jack? You suddenly look very pale.”

In fact, it was Spring the 1st, and Jack was eager to meet at the summit for the New Year’s day festival.

“… New Years!” Jack was almost in tears.

“Hmm? Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course we’ll still celebrate that. But that can be celebrated along with the wedding after the great event has occurred.” The mayor confirmed.

“Phew.” Jack sighed.

“At the church.” The mayor finished.

“WHAT!” Jack was appalled at this thought.

“Well, Jack, a marriage only comes once in a person’s lifetime and it is far more important than some silly festival.”

“No!” Jack yelled.

“Jack, you made the date with Eve yourselves. What could possibly be more important than this?”

“I want my chicken!” Jack slammed the door in the mayor’s face.

“Jack? Jack! Please come out, Jack!” the mayor called. “You wouldn’t want to leave Eve alone at the altar!”

“Churches suck!”

“Oh, listen to reason, Jack! The day will be even better than a New Years Festival! You are going to marry the love of your life!” the mayor continued to call. It was then that he decided that something had to be done to get this boy out of his home.

Dear Mother and Father,

The day has finally arrived! I am to be married to Jack. My life has found its path, and it is all because of him. I wish you were still here to meet him, he really is the most wonderful man I have ever met and I’m sure you would agree. I miss you terribly, and I will continue to lay flowers on your gravestones every day.

Sincerely,

Eve.

Intermission

The mayor made his way to the pub where Eve and several of the townswomen were prepping her for the coming event.

“Pssst!” the mayor had snuck into the pub and was calling the attention of his wife.

“What is it, dear?” the woman turned to her husband suspiciously.

“We have a… slight situation.” The mayor whispered.

“Oh, don’t tell me Jack is getting cold feet…” she panicked.

“Not quite. He is upset that the New Year’s Festival has been cancelled.”

“We mustn’t tell Eve! Someone has to get that boy out of his house and into the church immediately!”

“Yes, but who?” the mayor pondered.

The mayor and his wife talked a while longer before decided what coarse of action should be taken. In the end, it was evident that getting Jack to come out of his house was not going to happen unless the festival was held. It would take some quick planning, but the mayor would have to do what he could to make it happen.

The townspeople were surprised to hear about the sudden change of plans, but the idea was accepted and Eve assured them that she had no problem with it, although that was a complete lie.

At noon, everyone had gathered together at the summit and the New Years festival was ready to begin.

“We gather here today for yet another New Years festival and… oh, bloody hell! Where in God’s green earth is Jack!” the mayor had failed to begin as planned.

The townspeople looked around to try and find the farmer boy, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“He said he would be right here… I don’t know what happened.” The mayor’s wife spoke aloud.

“Perhaps he’s preparing for the big day!” the bartender interjected.

“No, no, no! He should be here now!” the mayor tried to sort it out in his head.

“I can go to his farm and see what is keeping him.” Nina’s mother volunteered.

“No, I’ll go. I can run really fast!” Ann was off in a flash.

While the townspeople waited impatiently, Jack sat at home comfortably on his bed. The knock came at the door and he eagerly ran to open it.

“Hey, Jack.” Ann greeted.

SLAM!

“Jack?” Ann was confused by the rude salutation.

“Go away, ugly girl!” Jack called.

“I can’t hear you! Open the door!”

Jack opened the door and gave her an evil stare, “What do you want?”

“Everyone’s waiting at the summit for you! We’re gonna have the New Years festival before the wedding!” she explained. Jack had already heard this news.

“I can’t go.”

“What? But why not?”
“I’m getting married today, idiot!” Jack yelled.

“But… the mayor said you would be okay if we changed things around.”

Jack thought about this for a moment. What she said had been true, but it did not make it moral, and that was where Jack was torn.

“It really isn’t fair to Eve if I get a chicken and she gets nothing.”

“What? A chicken…?” Ann was confused now.

“Tell them I can’t come.” Jack slammed the door again.

“Jack! Please come back out! We all want you to be there and to honor everyone’s hard work during the year!”

Jack considered this thought. He had, afterall, become rich over the whole magic bean ordeal, and perhaps people would acknowledge his efforts. He opened the door and started walking to the summit without even a word to Ann.

The two reached the summit and everyone was glad to see them.

The mayor began his speech once more, “ I welcome you all and thank you for such a wonderful year. It is with great pleasure…”

“Where’s Eve?” Jack interrupted.

“She’s getting ready.” The mayor answered.

“For what?”

“The wedding, you silly boy.”

“Oh… I can’t be here if she isn’t here too.” Jack crossed his arms.

“But… but why not?” the mayor was curious as ever.

“It isn’t right.” Jack snobbishly closed his eyes and walked away.

“Jack!” the mayor called after him. “You can’t see the bride before the wedding! It is bad luck!”

“I didn’t say anything about the bride, I said I wanted to see Eve.” Jack corrected him.

The townspeople stared in disbelief as Jack walked on back to his farm.

Jack was one very mixed up boy, but he only wanted what was best for Eve. Before he was totally out of their view, he called back for someone to deliver the chicken to his house later in the evening.

“… What chicken is he talking about?” the mayor was at a loss for words.

Intermission

The wedding was finally ready to take place, and Jack was dragged in on his hands and knees screaming that he hated church, but he was there.

The music sounded and Eve could now be seen making the walk across the carpeted floor.

“Eve!” Jack yelled in excitement and ran to give her a hug.

The crowd started to cry over the overwhelming gesture of love.

“What are you doing, Jack?” Eve whispered embarrassingly.

“They wouldn’t let me see you, I thought the mayor had taken you for himself.” He whispered back.

“What are you talking about? You were with the mayor all day!” she was getting angry.

“How dare you accuse me of cheating on you with the mayor!” Jack was offended.

“Jack, can we please just go on with this?” Eve shoved him lightly.

“So you admit there’s something going on!” Jack accused.

The ceremony finally continued and the priest said a bunch of meaningless stuff that put Jack to sleep… literally.

Eve kept elbowing him to wake him up, but he always seemed to fall back.

At one point, the priest asked Jack a question that he had not been awake to hear.

“No!” Jack answered. Everyone stared.

“You don’t?” the priest was shocked.

“Um… I mean yes!”
“I do!” Eve whispered.

“You do what?” Jack asked her.

“He does.” Eve confirmed with the priest awkwardly.

“Then by the power invested in me…”

“You have powers?” Jack asked out loud.

“Uh… what?” the priest was caught offguard.

“You aren’t even the real priest!” Jack accused.

“That’s because the other one disappeared, remember?” Eve explained.

“Oh yeah! I threw him into another dimension.” Jack laughed to himself.

By this point the entire audience was confused, but they were sure that somehow Jack had to be making some sense… right?

“… I… now pronounce you husband and wife… you may kiss the bride.” The priest continued despite the nonsense.

The newlyweds kissed and they were on their way to their new lives, and everyone congratulated them. Jack was a married man, and he was filthy rich too. It was finally starting to look like things were going to turn out alright for the young farmer afterall.

“Perhaps we should start making a baby tonight.” Eve smiled eagerly as she whispered softly in her new husband’s ear.

“But I don’t even know where to order the parts!”

Yeer: 3 Munth: 1 Day: 1

I gott mareed 2day! They hidd the chikkin on me tho!

THE END

[sbester]

EPISODE FOURTEEN: STORK

“Jack!” Eve called as she entered the room of the newly rebuilt farmhouse. Jack had allowed her enough money to spend on upgrading the entire farm because he didn’t know how to do it himself, and the result had been quite good.

“I’m busy.” Jack answered annoyed.

“I wanted to talk about… you know, what we said we would last night.”

Jack did not have a clue what she was talking about, but this was no different from any other conversation they had together. He simply ignored her.

“Jack! I want to talk about it NOW!” she yelled.

“Then talk.” Jack plugged his ears.

“And I want you to listen!” she pulled his hands down to his side.

“I told you, I’m busy!” Jack yelled back.

“You aren’t even doing anything!”

“I’m busy doing nothing! Haven’t you ever done it?” Jack didn’t care to listen to her answer, but knew from experience that she would give it to him anyway.

“That isn’t being busy at all! I want to talk about having a baby!”

Jack looked at her oddly. He remembered asking Nina’s mother where babies come from, but he had finally concluded that she was crazy and could not be trusted. He had also remembered overhearing the village children talking about it, something about a stork was mentioned. Yes! Eve must want him to make a visit to a stork and ask for a baby!

“I’ll get one tomorrow.” He stated.

“What?” Eve asked, confused.

“I’ll go get one tomorrow!”

“And how do you suppose you are going to do that?”

Jack had no idea where to find the stork, or even what it looked like. He grunted something, hoping she would leave him for the time being, but this did not happen.

“Jack!”

“I’ll ask one of the girls in town.” He said, knowing that she would understand that the women in the village were the smartest.

“Y…You! I hate you, Jack!” She stormed off, thinking he had meant something entirely different.

Not knowing what had caused this sudden outburst, Jack decided that perhaps the time to visit the stork was now rather than later. He called to Ruff whence he got outside and soon the two were on their way into town.

Intermission

Jack asked around all day, but it seemed that no one knew of any stork living near the town. He thought long and hard about his predicament, it was a rather odd situation to be in. To think that his having a child should involve some big-beaked bird was more than peculiar.

Giving up on his dependency on people, Jack decided it was time to take a look through the mountain pass to see if any of the animals knew where the stork may be.

First he asked the sparrow, being a bird itself, it was the most logical place to begin his search.

“Hi, bird. Take me to your leader.” Jack commanded.

The sparrow turned its head to the side and chirped once before flying away. Jack ran after the bird in an attempt to track it, but the creature disappeared into the trees where such a task was impossible.

“I can’t keep up!” Jack complained into the sky as his little dog started biting at his pant leg.

Next, the boy spotted a rabbit. He tried his best to catch the rabbit and ask him where a stork could be found, but the rabbit was also too fast for him.

“After him, Ruff!” the dog took off in a flash and soon returned with the rabbit between his teeth.

“Where can I find a stork, Mr. Rabbit?” Jack asked the prisoner.

The rabbit was dead.

“Hmm, not talking? That’s okay, we have ways of making you talk.” Jack smiled to himself. “Apply pressure, Ruff.”

The dog shook his head wildly from left to right, shaking the lifeless rodent at terrible speeds.

“Still not talking?” Jack inquired, giving the rabbit a chance to speak. It never did. “It seems you can withstand quite a lot of pain, rabbit!” Jack said angrily.

Losing interest in the dead animal, Ruff dropped it at Jack’s feet and continued on his way down the path to find a nice spot to mark his territory.

Soon after, Jack spotted a parrot (wtf?).

“You! Tell me where the stork is!” Jack yelled accusingly.

“You! Tell me where the stork is!” the parrot repeated.

“Aha! So animals CAN talk!” Jack had caught the bird red winged.

“Aha! So animals CAN talk!”

“Stop that!” Jack yelled annoyed.

“Stop that, Squuuaaackk!”

Jack walked away. “Jerk.”

“Squuuaaackk! Ass!”

Jack continued down the path in search of his dog, it was not long before he was found.

“I know your secret.” Jack looked down at the dog seriously. “I know you can speak! So out with it! Where is the stork!” he yelled down at Ruff.

It was then that the dog decided Jack’s leg would be the perfect spot to mark his territory. Jack kicked him hard.

“I thought we were friends.”

The rest of the day was spent in the mountain areas, but none of the animals seemed to want to give Jack any new information regarding the whereabouts of the great stork. The situation was beginning to seem hopeless, but then Jack remembered someone who may be able to help him.

Jack went to the goddess pond and prayed to the Harvest goddess for a stork, or at least a hint as to where the stork could be found.

“What do you want, Jack?” Jack looked up from his praying position and stared into the eyes of the harvest goddess herself.

“Hi! I almost married you, remember?” Jack smiled in greeting.

“Yes… and I’ve regretted meeting you ever since.” She admitted coldly.

“I have a problem.” Jack continued with his mission.

“A big one…. Oh, you meant a situation.”

“A sit-you-what?”

“Nevermind, Jack. What is your problem?”

“I need a stork.”

She looked at him oddly, what in the world did he need a stork for?

“Is this a joke?” she was getting angry.

“No… it’s for my kid!”

“You reproduced! God save us all.” The goddess said a prayer of her own.

“I dunno what you mean by that, but I need a stork badly!” Jack pressed on.

“Why do you want a stork, Jack?”

“Because then Eve won’t be mad at me anymore and she can be happy and she won’t hurt me and things will go back to being okay again and then…”

“Okay, okay! I get it, you married someone just as retarded as yourself and for absolutely no reason at all she wants a stork… much the same way you want chickens all the time.” The harvest goddess concluded.

“Do you have any? Chickens are fun too!” Jack bounced to his feet eagerly.

“Which is it, Jack? A stork or a chicken?”

“A chicken… inside the stork’s beak!” Jack was being clever now.

The harvest goddess was not amused. “Good-bye, Jack.” And with that, she was gone.

Suddenly, a stork appeared from out of the sky and flew down towards Jack and his little dog.

“Great stork! Gimme a baby or I’ll chop you in half!” Jack threatened.

The stork stood at attention for another moment longer, and then flew away.

“Crap.”

Intermission

Jack had finally given up hope. Defeated, he walked slowly back to the farm to face Eve. The girl was found sleeping in their bed, and he walked over and kissed her on the forehead.

Yeer: 3 Munth: 1 Day: hoo nose

I tride my bestest 2 git the stork but I cudint find it. I donnt think the harvist godis lix mee eneemore eether. Eev wonts a babie but I cantt git wun fer her evin tho I wont 2 hav wun 2.

As he wrote in his journal, Eve had awoken and was reading from behind him without his knowing. She noticed two things: one was that Jack had some serious spelling issues, and secondly, he loved her very dearly. She did not know what the story about the stork was, but she knew that at some point during the day, Jack had changed his mind and now wanted to have a child just as much as she did. And it was all because he wanted her to be happy.

“Jack…” she said quietly, trying not to startle him. She failed.

Jack panicked and ran under the bed. Realizing that he was safe, he poked his head out and listened to what she had to say.

“I think that it is time we had a baby.”

“I…” Jack was about to tell her he already tried that, which wouldn’t have been a good thing for her to hear, but she cut him off instead.

“Come to bed, dear.”

“… You have a stork in the sheets…”

THE END