Love will never end

[karenfreak]

Chapter 1: New home and school
Jack smiled to himself, " This is the day, Jack, this is the last day of this terrible school." He thought. Jack Millership was 10. Tomorrow he would be moving to the country. He hadn't seen his house and he was worried. What if no one liked him? No one liked him at his school so he was glad that he was moving. But what if no one liked him? " Someone must like you, Jack." He kept on reassuring himself. Thinking about it, he didn't mind not having friends. He used to have friends... before Billy came...
Billy was new to Jacks class and he always made fun of Jack. Slowly people started to not be his friend. He asked them what Billy had said to them. They would never say! After a few weeks Jack didn't mind not having any mates. He knew that Billy was just trying to get to him...
When Mrs. Wilkins droned her last few words the bell rang Jack ran out side and ran home. When he got home his mum smiled at him and asked him to get his suitcases. He ran upstairs and got his stuff and then ran downstairs. He jumped in the car and then they set off for the journey to Mineral town!

Hope that you like the first chapter. Please tell me whether you'd like me to carry on!

[Love is like a Flower]

it is great so far
please continue

[karenfreak]

Chapter 2: Arrival at Mineral town.
Finally they saw 91 Woodall Farm. " A FARM???" Jack shouted " WE'RE LIVING IN A STUPID FARM!!"
" Yes, we are. You could help me and stuff. When your not at school of course." His dad said. " Oh, yeah. By the way. School starts on Tuesday. Get your bag and your pencil case ready."
" Monday... don't you mean tomorrow?" His mum said.
" Oh, yeah. Hey. Jack can you go to the shop for me?" His dad said.
" Yeah, okay dad!" Jack muttered and left the farm. He looked at the sign. It showed him where the General store was. He walked there and then he opened the door. There was a little girl there about Jacks age, she had brown hair with blonde streaks at the front. " Hi!" She said looking at him.
" Hi!" Jack said back smiling. " Who are you?"
" Me? Well I am Karen. Nice to meet you."
" Jack." Jack nodded.
" What do you want to buy?"
" Well, I am supposed to be buying some coke and some bread."
" Oh, that is £ 2.65!"
" Here you go."
" Ok, bye."
Then Jack walked out, and forgetting his stuff.
" Hey! Jack!" Karen shouted. " There are two things I want to ask you!"
" Yeah, what."
" Well, the first thing was; were you supposed to leave the shopping on the floor."
" Um, no."
" And secondly. Are you free on Friday."
" Yeah."
" Well, do you wanna go somewhere with me?"
" yeah ok. Bye."
Then Jack walked out of the door smiling his head off...

Hope that you like the second chapter

[Ember]

There are several factors putting me off of this, and it may sound unkind, but I want to be completely honest with you.

First off, try to use more descriptions. You are rushing a little, and using an awful lot of dialogue, and an obvious storyline. Also, the general mood is a bit dull, and isn't very convincing. Ask yourself questions when writing. I'm not going to point out too many of them, but I'll just a suggest a few of the more obvious ones;

1: Why is a child serving Jack? You would think that even if Karen was in the room, that Sasha or Jeff would hear a customer, and maybe leave after they've done what they needed.

2: Why does Karen ask to meet up with him again so soon? She knows little about him, and they haven't even discussed where to see each other, or what time.

The main thing in stories which does bug me, is normally use of punctuation, but you seem to be doing okay with that, if not for the odd mistake or two, but no one is perfect.


I will continue to read this though, and hopefully will reply with more cheerful comments next time.

[jenrya88]

same as ember...

but do continue soon (don't be like me... who rarely updates these days... )

[xxxxbrokenxxxx]

It's a very good story.

[karenfreak]

Chapter 3: Jack Millership?
Jack woke up on Thursday. " Aah. Tomorrow is the day you see that Karen girl again!" He muttered. Then he realized something. " I haven't organized when or where we meet!" He ran outside but he felt really cold. " Better get a jacket!" He thought. " Hey, why are them 2 girls laughing at me?"
He looked down and realized that he was standing in his boxers. He ran inside and quickly got on some clothes. Then he ran to the store and saw Karen with this boy with long ginger hair. " Hi," Jack said to them both.
" hi, this is Rick." Karen said pointing at the boy.
"Oh, hi Rick." He said.
" Hiya, I am Karen's best friend and I am also her boyfriend.!" Rick said
" What? No you ain't!" Karen shouted her face crumpled up.
" Oh, OK then, Karen I was just asking when WE were meeting up."
" Oh, Jack we'll meet at 12:00pm for a picnic at Mothers Hill. Can my two mates Popuri and Karen come?"
" Yeah, OK then Karen.!"

Sorry for such the short chapter.