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Post by harvestmoon71 on Jun 29, 2009 20:44:59 GMT -5
This is my first fanfic eva! So if it looks weird and doesn't look right please don't insult me, I have never done this before so if you want to give me advice or help I would like that a lot! enjoy ;D
CH. 1
Chelsea's POV: I just boarded this large ship, I was planning to move to one of the islands. As the boat began to move the city I was leaving behind began to fade. I would miss it but my new home was waiting for me so I wasn't to sad.
Elliot's POV: I saw another girl board the ship. She had brown hair,blue eyes and a bright red bandana. She looked friendly. I'd talk to her but she might think I'm weird so I'll just stand here...wait, Natalie? OW!
Natalie's POV: I saw my dork of a brother gawking at some girl,I knew he'd be a coward and just stand there so I went there and slapped him on the head...While he was rubbing his empty head I told him flat out, You idiot! don't just stand there say hi before she finds out you're a freak!
Chelsea's POV: As I was taking a look around the boat I saw this boy, he had short pink hair,glasses,and a scared look as I said hi to him.
Elliot's POV: The second she even came close to me, I froze. I'm not good when it comes to conversations so I blurted HIMYNAMEISELLIOTANDISAWYOUEARLIERHERESOIJUSTWANTEDTOSAYHI BYE! Then I ran, feeling like an idiot.
Later that night...
Chelsea's POV: I woke up hearing a roar of thunder, when I got out of bed the lights went out! I left the room only to here the captain say 'What a storm! We better get the lifeboats redy, I have a bad feeling about this.All hands on...er..hang on tight!' BANG! I saw a flash of lightning and everything went black.
CH. 2
H-He-Hey-Hey! I began to come to only to see a strange old man and an even stranger island.
Elliot's POV: Natalie and I began searching the island.aAlthough something was on my mind,no it wasn't the fact we washed up on a deserted island. That girl on the boat earlier...is she okay? Did she make it to the lifeboats? Is she alive?
Natalie's POV: As we were walking around this dump of an island I saw Elliot's sad,pitiful face. So I asked what's the matter and he told me he was worried for that girl on the boat!
Elliot's POV: When I told her about that girl she told me 'Oh suck it up!, you barely know her! It doesn't even matter if she's dead! You will never see her again anyway!' So I remained silent the whole time we looked around the island.
Chelsea's POV as the man told me about the current situation, I noticed a pier and broken shack on the other side of the beach, were there people here before? The old man by the name of 'Taro' said his family was here as well. So I followed him. We later came up to a lady in her possible 30's She had long pink hair and a brown and purple dress, and her eyes were naturally closed. She told me her name was Felecia. She also told me that she had two children. As soon as she said that two people appeared, a boy and a girl. She looked about 19. The boy was the same age as me, 20.
Elliot's POV: It was her! I tried to keep a calm look but I was overjoyed! I mean, she isn't dead and for once Natalie was dead wrong! HA! Man I hope I didn't say that out loud.
Chelsea's POV: Wait Ithink I've seen them before...oh yeah! at the ship.That boy...he was the one who fleed the second I said hi. Once we got um..'acquainted' we looked through the run-down village.
Natalie's POV: As we were searching for a decent place to live mom found an ugly broken house that was falling apart as we speak. I debated the idea but she said we can fix it. Elliot better not screw up.
Chelsea's POV: Once Felecia,Natalie,and Elliot were beginning to work on the house Taro called me north of the town. There was a huge field, a stable,wood bin,and a small house. It looked untouched for years. Taro said this usedto be a farm then He said I should be the new farmer! As I entered my new home I thought that my new life starts tomorrow on Sunny Island.
CH.3
I heard a knock on my door and Taro's voice. He said 'Hey Chelsea! We got some new residents on the island! I came out as soon as possible! I mean new people already? That was fast! I ran to the beach to find two people, a man and a boy. He said his name was Chen and his son's name was Charlie. They would be opening a shop here! AND they arranged cargo ships to sell my farm's produce! speaking of which I'd better take care of my farm!
To Be Continued
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Post by Butterscotch on Jun 30, 2009 9:06:44 GMT -5
It's a bit hard to comment on the plot, since the story just started. I like your energetic writing style, especially in Chealsea's POV.
Since you indicated you were open to advice, I'd suggest, switching POVs less frequently. While switching POV can be interesting for a writer, the frequent switches can be somewhat distracting for a reader. Why not try an entire chapter from Chealsea's POV, then a chapter from Elliot's POV, then Natalie.
You have everyone in character, which is good. I really like how you've written Chelsea. She's very lively!
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Post by Pickle on Jul 2, 2009 14:10:42 GMT -5
...Why is there a poll here?
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Post by Butterscotch on Jul 3, 2009 7:43:20 GMT -5
...Why is there a poll here? Maybe the winner of the poll is the guy Chelsea ends up with? |
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Post by Pickle on Jul 3, 2009 18:52:37 GMT -5
I'll wait until the author themselves comments on it.
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